Wednesday, May 5

The Dr. ADI Cleanse

I moved to Los Angeles about three years ago, and among the many, many differences between LA and the rural Midwest where I grew up, one ideological standpoint came to bear more than the others. I'm talking about diet.
I don't defend a lot of Midwest food. I don't care for mayonnaise, hotdogs, mac-n-cheese, or any combination thereof that gets thrown in a bowl and called "salad" at family potlucks just because it has apple slices in it. But there is something to be said about the Midwest diet (or, as foodie douchebags would call it, "comfort food"). For one thing, Midwest cooks know their audience. They're not about to spend an extra $3 for name-brand mayonnaise when they know their customers can't tell the difference. For another, there really is no substitute for something called "cheese balls" (which is just cheddar cheese breaded and fried and served with ranch dressing) when you're blitzed off of 50 cent draft Miller Lites. And for a third, I think that a lot of foodie douchebags forget that all great Midwest cuisine starts out the same way that all great global cuisine starts out: poverty. It's not that people like eating foie gras, lobster, or oysters - it's just that they had to literally dig their food out of the murky dirt of the ocean's toilet because their kings and lords or whatever the hell spent all their money on shit like peacock's tongues and "page boys". So yes, Midwest cuisine is a legitimate gourmet art form and should be appreciated like whoa.
Where the hell was I going with that?
Oh yeah. People in LA go absolutely retarded over their food. Driving this mindset is a deeply-held belief that if you just eat the right foods, work out for six hours a day, avoid sunlight and unfiltered water and all other things that humans were genetically programmed to do thousands of years ago, then their spouse will stop cheating on them with a younger person.
Perhaps the most mind-bogglingly asinine notion that exists in Southern California is known as "the Master Cleanse". After spending about five minutes reading their website, I now know that there is only one step to doing this cleanse, and it is "the lemonade diet" (sidenote: I once put an unwitting frat boy on the lemonade diet, only instead of lemonade I used my pee. Did I get any recognition for it? No. And this is why the terrorists are winning.)
When the Master Cleanse Masters say "diet", they mean that lemonade is literally all you put into your body, and when they say "lemonade", they mean a mix of cayenne pepper, maple syrup, and lemon juice.
This goes against everything human beings have been trying to achieve since we learned to walk upright.
This is what hummingbirds eat, only they aren't stupid enough to put cayenne pepper in it.
The main reason that this diet succeeds, as far as I can tell, is that you poop and poop and poop, and then when you're done pooping all that comes out of you is mucus and black shit and Cthulu spawn.
Now those of you who live in the Midwest know where I'm going with this - WE FIGURED THIS OUT YEARS AGO!
If literally pooping your guts out is good for you and if Southern California wallet ladies* are willing to shell out money to people telling them to poop, then I am jumping right the hell on this bandwagon and announcing the official Dr. Angry Drunken Irishman Colon Cleanse Method of Weight Loss Reduction and Toning Genius Baby Making Recipe. And I'm giving it to you for free so you'll tell your friends and build some hype before I publish the exact same shit in book form and charge you $13.95 for it.

This is a tough diet, so if you feel the need to snack at all, you should do so with a 20 oz. bottle of Mountain Dew and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. And man, you better snack.

Breakfast: Fuck breakfast. You should still be too hungover to even think about breakfast. Grab a snack bag of Doritos and a Mountain Dew from a gas station. Add a Slim Jim for protein. Smoke a cigarette and get going. Today is the first day of a New You!
Lunch: Cabbage with ranch dressing. Chop up five hardboiled eggs and a Buddig lunch meat pack of roast beef to put on top. Drink 3 Coors Lights with it.
Dinner: Domino's Pizza with Buffalo Kickers. Mix 2 packets Ranch with 1 packet Hot Sauce to dip the kickers in, then, after making sure no one is looking, dip the pizza slices in that shit as well. You know you want to.
Drink half a fifth of egg nog. All of this should be done while sitting on a couch and watching The Shield.

Day 2:
Breakfast: Triple shot of espresso and two cigarettes (smoked back to back).
Lunch: Four Bud Lites and a Taco Bell Chalupa combo. Get the beef nacho cheese ones. Check out that awesome Baja Blast Mountain Dew that they have at Taco Bell, marvel at the size of your beverage cup, then spike that shit with some rum.
Dinner: Lamb legs marinated in equal parts butter, garlic, salt, and parsley. Grill it. Eat while drinking three fingers of single-malt scotch (neat) before drinking shots of scotch and crying on the phone to the pizza delivery guy from the night before (I recommend J&B scotch).
After this, eat two bowls of Lucky Charms cereal. Continue watching The Shield.

Day 3:
Breakfast: Triple shot of espresso and two cigarettes.
Lunch: Fuck lunch. Keep smoking cigarettes. If you get hungry, wrap a slice of ham around some cheese and drink a quart of milk with it.
Dinner: Pork loin with white sauce. Throw the white sauce away because it looks like jizz, then eat the pork loin with your hands while dipping it into a bowl of barbeque sauce. Switch your TV watching habits to musicals - I suggest Little Shop of Horrors and Pete's Dragon. After those are done, eat a box of Oreos.

Day 4:
Breakfast: Orange juice and black coffee, then three eggs cooked in the fat you gain from cooking a half-pound of bacon. Then four cigarettes.
EXERCISE TIME!: Run out into traffic in search of the nearest public restroom because Dukie Dragons should be slithering out of your Rancor Pit in a way that resembles toothpaste. This is what we in the medical community refer to as "mud butt".
Lunch: Should be spent cursing God on the toilet. After this, eat two burritos (no rice, fuck that shit) from a street vendor.
Dinner: Mix equal parts goat, bleu, and Dubliner cheese into balls, drizzle with honey, and mush up with some avocados. Call it "Irish guacamole" to justify it to your friends, who have now begun to leave you. After this, cry alone over a six-pack of Stone IPA, or whatever the hoppiest beer is wherever you live. Then eat a bag of marshmallows and a bag of Hershey's kisses at the same time.

Day 5:
Breakfast: Denny's Grand-Slam. When I say "breakfast", I mean that you should still be up from the night before having decided that life is no longer worth living. Go to Denny's and eat a whole Grand Slam with a strawberry shake at three in the morning before passing out at the table. When they kick you out, smoke five cigarettes on the way home.
Lunch: Pasta salad. And a martini. Tell the bartender to make it dirty "like your mom" and then look around to see if any other bar patrons want to high-five your witticisms. If they don't, order three more martinis and drink them as fast as possible.
Dinner: KFC Double Down Combo. I recommend the potato wedges as a good source of starch. After this, eat an ice cream cake.

Day 6:
YOU'RE DONE! CONGRATS!! Drink a pot of black coffee and smoke a pack of cigarettes all day in celebration!

I guarantee, if you haven't shit yourself inside out, I will give you your money back. This is the way that real men cleanse.

Now bring me a drink while I sit on the toilet.

*I call these bitches "wallet ladies" because they look brown and wrinkly and like they're made of leather. Just like their husbands' wallets.

P.S. For a different take on this, check out Dan O'Brien's article for a more corporate way to shit your guts out.

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