Monday, April 28

Vote for Bill Clinton's Wife!

I don’t know if anyone is as concerned about this as I am, but it seems that we have misplaced a lady of some importance. About a year ago, a woman named Hillary Rodham Clinton, Senator of the state of New York, announced that she would be running for President of the United States. I, for one, was excited at the prospect of watching history in action, as this would be the first time a female candidate had what seemed to be a very good chance of becoming the Democratic candidate for office and thereafter, assuming that America was as tired of the Republican party after eight years of Bush as I was, the White House. Huzzah! I thought to myself. Maybe a woman can be elected President! Won’t that be swell?!
I consider myself a feminist, although I do thoroughly enjoy the privileges that society innately provides men, and part of the reason I always thought Hillary Rodham Clinton was a neat person was the fact that she kept her maiden name when she married Bill. She has been a staunch supporter of Roe v. Wade and a longtime advocate of women’s rights, and I always thought that Hillary showed her feminist “fightin’ spirit” by keeping a short haircut, not wearing excessive amounts of jewelry, and by being just as professional and businesslike as the men with whom she was surrounded. I also thought it was impressive how Hillary Rodham Clinton kept her and her husband’s careers thoroughly separate, mostly by using her full name whenever possible. Her books, It Takes a Village and Living History, were both published using her full legal name, thereby avoiding any confusion that might come from someone simply typing “Clinton” into a search engine.
However, it seems that Hillary Rodham Clinton has dropped off the map, and I am VERY disturbed that no one else seems to notice. Instead, the news media and political pundits focus on this “Clinton” character, a wife and mother who cries on national TV, and ignore the absence of Senator Rodham Clinton from New York. Is it too late to issue a missing person’s report? If not, I have one prepared:

MISSING: Hillary Rodham Clinton, Caucasian woman, middle-aged, short business-like haircut, last seen wearing a sensible suit and practical jewelry. May be found fighting unfair business practices in factories and advocating women’s rights in populated areas. Possibly being held captive by snipers at her grandfather's cabin.

Now, some of you out there may call me a “nut job” or a “conspiracy theorist” or even an “unsuccessful satirist”, but I believe that a doppelganger has been employed to cover up Ms. Rodham Clinton’s disappearance. The differences are subtle, but present: “Clinton”, as she goes by, seems to cry whenever politically appropriate, gripes about how long it takes her to get ready in the morning, and tells far-fetched stories about sniper fire in Bosnia and learning to shoot her grandpa’s gun. “Clinton” has issued thousands upon thousands of flyers with that single solitary surname on them without acknowledging Ms. Rodham Clinton’s feminist roots. “Clinton”, in essence, is piggybacking on a former President’s success by running as Bill Clinton’s Wife, and appears to be capable of doing anything in order to gain voter approval. I’m sure that wherever Senator Rodham Clinton is being held hostage by this “Clinton” character, she is not too pleased. “Clinton” is fond of saying that “It took a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and it’ll take another Clinton to clean up after the second one.” I’m sure Rodham Clinton would never promote the idea that sharing a surname denotes identical political ideologies; after all, didn’t she keep her maiden name in order to ensure that she and her husband wouldn’t be confused with one another?
Of course, I may be blowing things way out of proportion. Maybe Hillary Rodham Clinton saw the political convenience of being associated with one of America’s most popular presidents. Maybe she decided that maintaining her feminist ideologies might not win her the male vote. Hell, maybe “Rodham Clinton” was just too long to slap on a sign.

Maybe that’s what “Clinton” wants you to believe.

Fans of Hillary Rodham Clinton know, by repeatedly reading her website and listening to her old speeches, that Hillary Rodham Clinton does not back down from obstacles, she does not change her ideals to be popular, and dammit, she is a candidate of CHARACTER. There is no way that the Hillary Rodham Clinton I know would EVER piggyback on someone else's political career, lie to make herself look good, or berate another candidate. After all, that would be blatant, dripping, insincere hypocrisy in its worst form, and it would undermine any moral claim on which she could possibly base her legislative ideals.

Nope, she was kidnapped. That's the only explanation...no one would be that ridiculously brash and arrogant while running for President.

Now bring me a drink.
Click this shit!

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