Tuesday, September 11

The Obligatory September 11th Post

(Having just moved in to my new place and started graduate classes, I have decided to turn this post over to my junior interns. They will keep you up to speed as I read feminist ethics while getting drunk by my pool. -ADI)

by Aschleighe Roberts

So there I was, right, like totally sitting in class. And then, like, this teacher comes running in, which is really weird, 'cuz like we were in the middle of class learning about some stuff and I was totally like, wtf? and he was like, o my god, you are not going to believe what happened, everybody, listen, like, for real. And I'm all like, o my god, like, is everything ok? Because he was like really worried, so I was like, really worried, and then like, I was hoping that maybe my mom was all right, or like maybe my dad had fell in the pool or like crashed his car coming home from AA again or some shit like that. So anyway, this teacher is like FREAKING out, and I'm all nervous, like, oh shit, my dad found my mom with Julio the gardener, who now I'm thinking is maybe some kind of Mexican from Arabia or something like that, because when it's really hot out he wears his shirt around his head like a turban and when he talks to his friends, they're like totally speaking Arabic. I know it.
So anyway, this teacher is freaking out and says, o my god, you have to turn on the news right now, so we turn on the classroom TV (all the classrooms have TVs in them at O.C. Laguna Beach High School, but they're like, really shitty 32" ones, so you can barely see what's going on, and they don't even have HDTV), and there's like, this plane flying into a building. At first I thought it was like some foreign channel, because I didn't recognize the little squiggly logo in the bottom right hand corner, but then when I turned around to ask Bobby Jake behind me, he was like, I think it's CNN, and I was like, holy shit, and just started bawling. Well, because, I mean, after someone told me that CNN was an American news channel, I was like, OMG, this is happening in California? and was all looking out the window and stuff to see if I could see the smoke, but then the TV said it was the World Trade Something in New York, and I totally saw the Chrysler building in the background, and that's when I freaked out and started crying. Then like, Mr. Dickerson was being a real jerk head, 'cuz I was like, o my god, I have to go home, and he was like, I know this is stressful, but you can't leave school, and I was like, NO, you don't UNDERSTAND, like, I RECOGNIZE those BUILDINGS, I was just in New York like TWO FRICKIN' MONTHS AGO, and I was all like, o my god, I can't believe you're such an insensitive ASSHOLE, I almost DIED!!!
Then my friend Jayemiee, who was also on that trip with me, of course SHE starts freaking out, so SHE wants to leave, and I'm all like, SHUT UP you WHORE, I was THERE! and she's all like, SO WAS I, but then she doesn't get it, right, so I'm all like, I don't think you underSTAND, like, I have a cousin who went to college with this guy that I hooked up with, and like he was dating this girl from JERSEY, so STOP CRYING, because I almost DIED, and then she's all like, omg, we have to go, so we just left and went to the shoe store, like BAWLING, so we could drown our sorrows with shoes, and omg, I got these totally cute pumps.
And that's how I almost died.

The Day America Fell
by Sparrow Woodsong

The towers went down
America did frown
The nation was torn to pieces
We had no more Peaces
The President was baffled
And Michael Moore cackled
And the people from Over There
Who wear towels in their Hair
I just sat and stared
the day americA fell

The day americA fell
Everything was like in hell
When those towers went down
americA did frown
And I sat and tried to Drown
In my bathtub

The day americA fell
I dropped and broke an egg shell
That somehow ended up accidentally cutting my wrists
With a knife, with my hand
Because you don't understand
How hard it is to be me
It burns sometimes when I pee
Girls don't like Me
I'm a total hippie
And then I listened to Puddle of Mudd with two "D"s
and then...

Oh yeah,

The day americA fell
I was sad
it was bad
the Taliban said "rad"
but it was bad

for americA

My College Entrance Essay on the Badness of September 11th
By Jason Bruce, Left Tackle

Since the beginning of time, man has pondered the great evil of the September 11th attacks on America in New York city against the American World Trade Center by the Taliban Osama bin Laden. What has prompted these attacks? Why were they directed against us? What caused them? Why was America the target? What were the causes of these attacks?
In a speech given on September 11th, President Bush said that "our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist acts" and that " America was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world." This brings up the question, if the American government didn't know about these attacks previously, how could President Bush have a statement prepared to deliver immediately? As we all know, writing a five-minute speech on current events can take two, sometimes three weeks (if given an extension). Why was a speech ready the SAME DAY as the attacks? I believe that the attacks were American in nature, as evidenced through the evidence presented in the online "loose change" video, and again in the "zeitgeist" online video, which I unfortunately did not watch but heard about in the locker room.
However, these videos were later proven false by Internet writer Maddox (whose book, The Alphabet of Manliness I'm almost halfway through), which brings us back to our further questions, why was America targeted in these attacks, and why was the target of these attacks America?
I agree that it is because of our freedoms, because, as a Republican, I believe that America is the most forward-thinking, free republic in the world, and those stupid towel-headed sand n***ers (Edited for content - ADI) can't understand freedom. Since the beginning of time, man has been a Christian animal, always believeing in the Lord Jesus and his saving blood. The President proved this when he said that "I pray [the people whose shit got wrecked] will be comforted by a power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23: 'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me'" (emphasis totally mine). As we can see, the Bible has always been with us, and it will always be with us, and even though some buildings got messed up, the Bible is always there, and with Jesus as your Lord and Savior, there is nothing He can't lead you through. When someone doesn't believe in Jesus, they feel a void in there heart, and that void is filled with evil, or the devil. Because these terrorists have turned they're back on God, they were filled with evil, and since America is a God-fearing nation and always will be, they were angered and decided to destroy it. But the devil cannot win.
Even though the devil took over Saddam Hussein, another non-Christian who did believe in Christ. We went after him to prevent the evil in his heart from angering him against America's God-loving ways, and since we saw the effect that Satan had on Osama, we went after the same evil in Saddam. As President Bush said, "Today, our nation saw evil, the very worst of human nature," and "This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time." because, as we know, God will prevail. Look in the end of the Bible if you don't believe me. You can believe it or not, but it's real.
It's like Coach always says, just go out there and don't fuck up. That's what makes America great, September 11th bad, and non-Christians even worse. And I can run the 40 in 4 seconds.

(ADI NOTE: All quotes from President Bush were found after a five-second Google search at http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/09/20010911-16.html . You will be happy to know that Jason Bruce is now deciding between a business and communications major on a full ride to Arizona State University, and is in his fifth year of coursework.)

By Muhammad bin Arab

I'm not here to talk about how you guys should live, and I want to talk even less about September 11th, but seriously, I would like to say something about Jesus. You guys know that a Malaysian newspaper released a picture of Jesus smoking and drinking a beer, right? Oh, you did?
Wait, there's a picture of a Buddy Christ doing the Fonzie pose? And someone depicted Jesus as a WOMAN? AND someone painted Mary using elephant dung? Wait, wait wait...
So people are using your religious icons as venues for their artistic crap, and you're not rioting? No people dead, no thinly veiled threats against the Dutch....I mean, American government? Nothing?
Jesus Christ, I mean, for God's sake, did you noticed how pissed WE got over the cartoons of the Prophet in the Dutch newspaper? People died for that. Now THAT'S art. And we fought against the fucking DUTCH! They're just a bunch of peaceful stoners. You guys have Malaysians and South Americans AND Africans depicting Jesus all over, and you're not bombing the shit out of bus stations?

Happy September 11th.

(In the interest of fair journalism, I would like to report that I am not a cheerleader, football player, Muslim, or pussy. I did write these posts. If you don't get the point of these, I would just like to say that I am lampooning America's general response to the WTC attacks, which has been, as we all can now agree, laughable. The Arab point of view is thrown in to give a more fair and balanced viewpoint, but not so fair and balanced that I would actually go out and find an Arab to write it for me.

Happy September 11th. Now bring me a drink. Something festive.


(P.S. Dear Hallmark: If you use my copyrighted "September 11th: It's da BOMB" saying for any WTC Attack Day commemorative cards in an attempt to sell more crap, I'll sue you. Not successfully, but I'll consider it at least. Consider yourself warned.)
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