Thursday, February 9

It's Black History Month: Feel Guilty

FEBRUARY! THE SHORTEST MONTH OF THE YEAR!
What a great time to celebrate black history. If you're a white person, immediately stop reading and go do something worthwhile for the black community. Seriously. Put up a sign. Distribute ribbons people can pin on their Aeropostale and American Eagle shirts. Raise awareness! GO!!!
For the politically minded, here are some Black History Month Do's and Don't's to help you in your quest to ensure the ubiquitous nature of contrived racial tolerance:

DO - Make sure that every fifth-grader writes a mandatory 500 words on Black History. Make sure the paper mentions one or more of the following: peanut butter, stoplights, ice cream, Harriet Tubman, Jesse Owens, Jackie Robinson, Frederick Douglass, and Thomas Jefferson. (Give the white kids a C on this paper, because hey, fuck them.)

DON'T - Contribute any taxpayer money to poorly-funded school systems. IF you must give out government funds, make sure that they come with stipulations which prohibit said funds from being spent on anything other than Black History Month Awareness Posters, black motivational speakers, or any materials used to make Black History Month presentations. These kids don't need to learn how to read or play instruments, they need to know that it's BLACK HISTORY MONTH!!!

DO - Support establishments such as McDonald's and Popeye's which, through a series of multi-million dollar ad campaigns designed with the black population as its target demographic, really show the ingenuity and worth of black people. When a McDonald's commercial shows a black man treating a Quarter Pounder like an hors d'ouevre by sticking a pin into it, it isn't patronizing...it's black empowerment. (In fact, I would like to parenthetically commend McDonald's for all but excluding white people from their ads. And for coincidentally emphasizing the fact that they now serve chicken.)

DON'T - Support any establishments with any less than three Black History Month posters on the windows. "Big Daddy Ray's House of Bar-B-Q", while run by a black one-armed Vietnam veteran, is not the sort of establishment you want to give your support to. Go to McDonald's. Eat the food. (NOTE: When you go to the bathroom to excrete the McDonald's-induced diarrhea, do NOT say that you are going to "drop the Cosby kids off at the pool." It's Black History Month, dammit.)

DO - Flash around pictures of the black people who were fucked over by Hurricane Katrina. Mention repeatedly that New Orleans is the birthplace of jazz, a "black" musical style.

DON'T - Give any money to Katrina relief funds. You need that money to make posters.
DON'T - Ask why the black people were the ones most heavily fucked over in the first place by Hurricane Katrina.
DON'T - Ask questions. Questions be whack.

DO - Argue for the fact that Ebonics IS, in fact, a real language.

DON'T - Ever, ever, use ebonics. Unless you're black.

DO - Walk up to every black person you see on the street, shake his hand, and say "I really feel your pain. I support you and your wonderful race of people."

DON'T - Run away when he tries to kick your ass. It's your fault for listening to someone with a name like "The Angry Drunken Irishman" in the first place. Dumbass.

Let's all work together to make this the best damn white-invented black-empowering month ever. Just remember, we don't want to fix deep-rooted social issues. We want to make posters and have assemblies. So white people, just shut up for a month.

Oh shit, next is Women's History Month. Someone bring me a drink. Before I whip you.
Click this shit!

2 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Surprisingly I ran across this shit on accident, and this is one of few times I actually like my mistake.
I'm scared if you're dead serious about all this, but I'm impressed otherwise.

I'm so happy I have this month to repent for something neither I nor any of my ancestors ever did. Hurray Black History Month.

5:48 PM  
Blogger The Angry Drunken Irishman left the following bullshit...

If you've read any other posts here, you'll notice quite quickly that not being serious is a top priotity of mine. Keep checking back for updates, and thanks for the props.

11:59 PM  

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