Thursday, February 2

Fuck Public Smoking Bans

Recently the homepage for my school posted a poll asking people whether or not they were in favor of a ban on indoor smoking in all public buildings. Out of about 1500 votes, 84% of all people said yes.
What the fuck?
I can understand not wanting people to smoke in hospitals and day cares. After all, you don't want freeloading sick people and infants catching a cheap buzz off of cigarettes that YOU paid for. But why the hell would anyone want to ban smoking in, say, a bar? Or a tobacco shop? Or even a grocery store?
Cigarettes are a way of life for many people. The appeal of restaurants like Steak 'n' Shake is that they HAVE a smoking section. Think about it - why the hell else would high school goth kids go to an establishment that sells shitty food and shittier coffee at three in the morning unless they were allowed to smoke? Why the hell would anyone go to a bar and pay $4 for a shitty cocktail (main ingredient: ice) unless they were allowed to smoke?
As an American and a lover of freedom, I am thoroughly against this proposed ban. However, if such a bill must go through, I suggest that we modify it. It won't be a huge modification - in fact, I suggest that we only change one word. Instead of banning public smoking, I propose that we ban public ugliness. Think about how much greater this would make life for people.
Now when you go out to a bar, you don't have to worry about taking home some behemoth and waking up with your arm pinned underneath eighty pounds of right breast and half a bag of Doritos sitting on your chest. Instead, if you do take home a girl, she'll be attractive, because the very idea of an ugly person being in a public facility has been completely outlawed. And SHE'S got nothing to worry about, because hey, you're attractive too! Everybody wins!
This public ugliness ban will also motivate some of our country's more portly denizens to get their asses in shape. Everyone's always bemoaning the plight of America's obese public, so why not do something about it? Instead of saying that "obesity is a disease" or suing corporations like McDonald's for vending allegedly addictive products, let's just outlaw it altogether. Here's how the system would work:
In the beginning, everyone would be required to submit to a state-funded Attractiveness Screening. The panel would consist of myself, my roommates, and any cool people I happened to meet on the way. No girls would be allowed on this panel in order to eradicate the X-factor of feminine sympathy ( we don't want any pussy bleeding hearts to be sitting there going "Oh, it's ok, you're a complete whale but it's not your fault." That's the problem with America in the first place.) Male attractiveness would be assessed by a few gay guys I know; the reason for this is that gay guys are really brutal when it comes to male attractiveness and thus would be far more effective judges than girls. Everyone would receive a rating on the Beer Scale of attractiveness - they would be assigned a number by each judge which corresponds with the number of beers the judge believes would be necessary in order to sleep with the person under evaluation. Anyone receiving a rating over 10 would be placed under house arrest for six months, after which they would be allowed to receive a second rating. If the number has not gone down, they receive another six-month house arrest sentence. If by their third appeal they are unable to receive a score of less than ten, they would receive a bullet in the head.
I know, I know, shame on me for suggesting that. We shouldn't waste bullets on ugly people. Instead of a bullet, maybe we could simply push them out a window. No, that won't do.....there'd be a huge mess to clean up. Hmmm...well, the particulars aren't worked out yet, but the point is, ugly people would be exterminated.
Any person receiving a score between 6 and 10 would be allowed to walk about during the day, but would have to acknowledge a strict nine o'clock curfew. They would not be allowed in bars, and any appearances they made during the day would only be allowed under the stipulation that they wear a paper bag over their head with the words "I'm Ugly" printed in large Magic Marker and a large siren on their chest that constantly blared the words "Look away! Look away!"
The public might not accept this at first, but they would after everyone submitted to a mandatory propaganda film session. This film session would include several movies, such as an edited version of My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the lead actress does NOT find true happiness but instead is smothered as an infant by her parents because she's so damn ugly and an edited version of Raiders of the Lost Ark where the Nazis all have their skin eaten away and die horrible deaths not for looking inside the Ark of the Covenant, but for looking inside one of the aforementioned "I'm Ugly" paper bags. These movies would be viewed Clockwork Orange style to prevent anyone from not viewing them.
I know, I know. It seems harsh. But such is the way of progress. Stalin understood this, and so did the God of the Old Testament. You can't have a better society without stepping on a few toes and committing some genocide.
Besides, think about all the problems this would solve:
1) Public drunkenness would go down - How many times have you been at a bar or a frat party where the only person hitting on you was a total slug? How many times did you think to yourself, Man, I'm kinda horny and the only person hitting on me appears to be one of George Lucas' Star Wars aliens...better drink more so I can justify sleeping with them? We've all been there. We all know that sometimes you make a poor decision and drink an entire bottle of tequila just so you can "getcha some" from the fat bitch with the lazy eye. With a public ugliness ban, this would no longer be an issue, and you could fuck girls without drinking because, hey, they're all attractive! Think of the money you would save on booze alone!
2) Self-esteem would go up - This seems completely counterintuitive, but that's only because you're an idiot. We all know hot girls who have self esteem problems. With the mandatory Beer Scale in effect, hot girls would no longer feel the need to throw up everything they eat and work out for ten hours a day. Instead, they can walk around, smiling and holding their paper-bag-free head high, confident that they live in this brave new world that has such attractive people in it.
What about the uggos who don't score high enough to merit such an esteem boost? Fuck them. Who cares about their esteem? Seriously. I don't think there's ever been a situation in my life that an ugly person has made better. In fact, ugly people and fat people EXACERBATE every bad situation I've ever been in. Take, for example, the Self Check-Out lines at any grocery store. It's bad enough when you have to wait in line for ten minutes because some fucktard can't figure out that her debit card has to have its stripe facing outwards (information easily gleaned from the screen of the card reader, the hand-printed note taped to the card reader, and the giant flashing sign that says "FACE STRIPE OUTWARDS, DIPSHIT"). No, it's not bad enough that I have to waste MY time in a grocery store because of someone else's incompetence. I have to look at this person with the frontal lobe impairment and deal with the fact that they're UGLY! Goddammit, if you're going to be an idiot, at least be a hot girl with sorority letters on so I can offer to help you. But do hot sorority girls ever fuck up at the grocery store? NO! Because they're hot, and that makes them better than ugly people.
Sorry, I got off on kind of a rant there. I don't think I will ever be able to express through writing how pissed off ugly people make me. Every time I'm in a bad mood, it becomes that much worse if there's an ugly person in the room. Ugly people are just catalysts for bad feelings, and we should ban them. Which brings me to my next point:
3) Public eating experiences would become exponentially more enjoyable - How many times have you sat down in a restaurant, looked at the people next to you, and realized that you've lost your appetite? How many times have you cut your meal short just to avoid the unpleasant experience of looking at your unseemly waitress? Wouldn't it be better if you could just eat in peace? Wouldn't it be better if you could ask for your check AFTER you ate your food instead of having to request (with eyes averted into the menu) that your ticket out of Ugly Town be brought as soon as possible? Public ugliness bans are the wave of the future, my friends.
Public smoking bans are not the answer. Public ugliness bans are. Fuck ugly people.

If you're ugly, bring me a drink. Actually, bring me many drinks, because I'm kind of horny and you're the only one around.

(NOTE: If you're curious, the poll from my school's webpage can be found here)
Click this shit!

1 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

you only want the gay guys to judge male beauty because they are always attracted to you.

8:10 PM  

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