Friday, November 4

Stay Healthy Until You Die

I am a health nut. You wouldn't know it to look at me, but I fully plan on being one of those people whom other people walk up to on the street and say "Wow! You look great for being eighty!" However, I'll probably be thirty or so at the time, so the effect might be dampened somewhat.
There are some things you should know to live a long and healthy life. For starters, if you're not on the ADI health plan, you should be:
Never see a doctor - Doctors are overpriced. Doctors can fuck up. Doctors are just people who happened to go to seven years of school, whereas you didn't. However, by learning a little herbology (wormwood makes you shit worms, belladonna causes hallucination and probably death, etc.) and a little extra nut power in your sac, you can get along just fine without ever seeing one of those goddam quacks. For example, if you break your finger, just pop a few Tylenol and wrap it good and tight. It'll heal on its own. If you're coughing up blood and little worms are crawling out of your skin, you should probably just take a double dose of beer and watch some "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". No matter what's wrong with you, it'll take care of itself one way or the other. Fuck doctors.
Drink - Alcohol kills germs. Surgeons use alcohol to clean their instruments. Therefore, if you have a shitload of alcohol swimming around in your blood stream, no germs will be able to live. It's like Batman - in order to eradicate evil, just make an evironment so terrifying that evil won't be able to survive it. Also, smoke. You know, just to be on the safe side.
Stop being such a pussy - If you have a body part hanging off, or if your elbow happens to be bending the wrong way, suck it up. Nobody likes a crybaby. If you can just stop being a fricking baby about your sliced foot, gangrene will soon set in an it'll stop hurting. See? Problem solved. Little girly nancy boys won't be able to handle this, but that's just survival of the fittest. Darwin was right; anyone who can't handle the ADI health plan will soon become extinct and the world will belong to the super race of Irish beings who live in a state of perpetual drunken happiness.
Never work out - Working out is for idiots who have nothing better to do. Ideally, you should be running from the cops, lifting kegs of beer, throwing bottles and screwing until the sun comes up. If you have any extra weight to get rid of, then just drink 'til you puke. It's not bulimia, it's just alcoholism. If that's not your idea of a diet, then take up smoking. The excess pounds will just melt away. You shouldn't have any time left to loaf around the gym and look at yourself in the mirror because you'll be too busy staying in shape and having the best time of your life.
Always compete with someone younger and less talented than you - This doesn't necessarily make you healthier, but it sure does make you feel good about yourself. Play basketball with a three-year old. Whoop his ass. When he starts crying, point and laugh at the weak-ass game he put up. They say that laughter is the best medicine, and when the endorphins kick in from laughing so strenuously you'll feel like you're on top of the world. For a better result, play a full contact sport like tackle football. Hey, kids gotta grow up sometime.

Perhaps the best exercise, though, lies in the fetching and serving of drinks. I suggest you do that for me.
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