Saturday, November 12

Rules for Dating the Angry Drunken Irishman

Finding myself single and with a significant amount of emotional ennui, I decided that now would be a good time to write the following post. Although a majority of this blog is devoted to glorifying my random hookups and general mistreatment of women, from time to time I do enjoy settling into a mutually fulfilling relationship. I like to do this because it usually alleviates the responsibility of maintaining a nicely rotated "stable", and I can settle into moaning only one girl's name during intercourse instead of having to remember the identity of the person with whom I'm sleeping. It also means I get presents and nice things and the overall feeling of satisfaction that there is someone who appreciates my penis.....I mean, personality.
While I am not looking to date anyone right now (fuck that), if in the future I should ever find myself in need of an exclusive relationship, I've decided to compile a list of rules which one should follow if they want to be the lucky girl I come home to drunk.
1) Be Beautiful - Although when I'm single I tend to throw all standards of beauty out the window and stick my penis in whatever comes my way, when I date someone I expect them to be beautiful. Let's face it, no one wants an ugly girlfriend. A lot of people will give you all this "beauty is inside" shit, but no one really believes it. After all, if they were a good person, would they be ugly? No. God doesn't allow bad people to be beautiful. All of my girlfriends (post-high school) have been beautiful, and I plan on continuing in this same vein.*
2) Have a personality - Just typing that incredibly hackneyed phrase almost made me sick, but it's true. I don't want to date someone who's beautiful and doesn't have a personality. That would suck. If I wanted to do that, I'd just become a dendrophiliac. Which brings me to my next point...
3) Be intelligent - I don't want to have to constantly explain my vocabulary to you. I don't want to have to explain jokes or puns to you, because if I have to do that then I'm just going to start making fun of you in a manner which you can't follow. The only "32" I want to see affiliated with a girl I'm dating is an ACT score, not a bra size. People who...'scuse me, people that**...aren't intelligent are an incredible turn-off. If you can't engage me in witty banter or even clever puns, then I'm just going to mock you until you have a serious psychological disorder. Why? Because I'm sick of retards wanting things to be explained to them. It irritated me in four years of high school and I'm not about to get in a serious relationship with it. Fuck stupid people. I hate how they all sit around and bitch about standardized testing and claim that they're so much more than a number on a test. You're right, we should have better uses of standardized testing than we do now. We should use it to exterminate low-brow boors such as yourself. Idiot.
4) Be willing to put up with the fact that I will do the exact opposite of what you tell me to do - I don't care what you tell me to do, I will argue with you or do the exact opposite. I do it because I'm usually bored with the fact that we're not having a conversation about literature and because I'm usually angered by the fact that you're telling me what to do. Fuck you. You're not my mom. And if you are, then why are you reading a post about how to date me? That's gross.
More often than not I argue with my girlfriends because I think it's funny. Being a dick strikes me as amusing. Deal with it. I'm not a dick all the time, but if you're going to get on some moral high horse and tell me how to live my life, then I'm going to punch you off of it with my cock. No one tells me what to do...I'm like a two-year-old. You need to come to terms with that if you want to date me.
5) Realize that I am not going to shave or change my wardrobe for you - Yes, I know I dress like a twelve-year old. Fuck you for caring. I've been wearing the same Spider-Man T-shirts since tenth grade, and I'm not going to change the way I dress just to impress your friends at the yacht club, you elitist prick. Some of us are on a budget.
6) Don't insist that I hang out with your friends - This won't end well for anyone. If you have a lot of friends, and if they're girls, then I'm probably going to hate them. If we're at a party where there's alcohol...well, let's just say that I will quickly be labeled as "that guy" and will insist that your friends have a threesome with us (which you should be into if you want to date me). Don't make me hang out with your friends. I'm gregarious enough, I enjoy meeting new people and being social, but again, if I HAVE to do anything, I'm going to be a dick about it.
7) Read this blog - Reading this blog is probably a major portion of being able to date me. I don't want to have to explain it to you after we've begun dating, and I don't want to have to explain to you that I've already hit up most things on the "College Guy's List of Sexual Things To Do" (threesome, virgin, anal, etc.). Just read this blog and realize that this is a side of me which, although it only manifests itself in this blog, does exist.
8) Bring me a drink

*If you're reading this and feel like I haven't wanted to date you because you're not beautiful, don't take it personally. You probably are beautiful, I'm just not in a place for a relationship right now. Either that or you're a man, and therefore not on my "bangable" list.

**That was a grammatical joke designed to exemplify the non-entity of stupid people. If you don't get it, then go put a gun in your mouth.
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11 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Ok, I've got the gun in my mouth, what do I do now?

12:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

You're completly retarded. And, you're not funny at all--that sucks. I don't really feel like taking the time to explain why your writing is boring and dumb; just read maddox some more- even though you are trying hard to be like him you're not quite there yet.

2:12 PM  
Blogger The Angry Drunken Irishman left the following bullshit...

I don't really feel like taking the time to explain why you should kill yourself...that should be self-evident.

Enjoy being a piece of shit.

4:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Nice-- guess what? Your writting still blows and you're still not Maddox. I am sure you will be able to fool literally tens of people into believing you're funny and orginal, good luck with that.

12:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Hello Anonymous,

For the record, I am an avid reader of both Maddox and the ADI and I can say that the ADI has an unequivocally distinct voice and writing style from Maddox. Though I'm sure with your lips wrapped so tightly around Maddox's dick, you assume that anyone whose subject matter vaguely resembles his is a plagiarist or unoriginal. Buck up and tell us who you are. If it's personal, say so. Otherwise no one gives a shit what you think about the ADI or his awesome writing.

Since most people who surf blogs have neither the time nor the energy to engage in this type of anonymous flaming, I assume you have a personal grudge against the ADI. Perhaps he laid waste to you in a one-night-stand or mocked you in some way? Keep masturbating that ego by posting here; I'm sure you'll get through to us, because we and "tens of others" care what you think.


3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

I don't have anything against ADI (other than the fact he is unoriginal). He may even be a good writer, although it's impossible to tell because anything he writes that is intelligent or insightful is surrounded by paragraphs of unoriginal crap. For every sentence or thought that is original or interesting there are 10 that are nothing more than poser bullshit.

The fact that you say you're an avid reader of both Maddox and ADI and you can't see the distinct similarities in their writings only proves, you can't read.

8:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Whoa there champ, I never denied that there were similarities between the ADI's writing and Maddox's. Little of relevance follows from this fact, since there's nothing groundbreaking about that style of writing to begin with. I've known the ADI for the better part of four years (during a bulk of which neither of us knew about Maddox) and he has written this way at least that long.

I'm done justifying this blog. Feel free to continue posting your inane diatribes. Perhaps you'll finally expose this villain to an audience of people who already know him. Be sure to hold your breath for a response.

9:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

You used to be nice. I really liked you when we dated in high school, but you had to start dating someone else after we broke up. Who cares if she's prettier than me? She's still a bitch. And I hope you enjoyed missing out on me just to have her dump your ass. This is why you're single - the beautiful ones with any brains know better than to date a piece of shit like you. Asshole. Maybe you should try the "gun in the mouth" scenario.

8:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

I love anal and threesomes.

Put your gun in my mouth.

6:10 AM  
Blogger The Angry Drunken Irishman left the following bullshit...

^ Thanks, mom.

1:01 PM  
Anonymous livedrumbeat left the following bullshit...

Hahahaha I friggin laughed out loud at are quite funny. Brutally honest and that's sexy. Thanks for brightening up my Saturday! I needed that :o*

9:47 AM  

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