Wednesday, November 9

More News From G.I. Jack

The following are excerpts from the journal of one of my best friends, G. I. Jack. G. I. Jack is currently deployed with the Marine Corps in Afghanistan, kicking down doors to drug nests and fixing Humvees and just experiencing the all-around bureaucratic ineptitude the Marine Corps higher-ups have to offer. He sometimes sends me his journal, and although I can't republish all of it here, I've picked out a few highlights for you bastards. While I have made some topical changes to correct his grammar and change names in some places, the words are all his, and the stories are (to the best of my knowledge) completely true. Enjoy.

Wednesday November 9th, 2005

I went out on a very important, top secret, vital to the security of our great nation mission earlier today. Allow me to explain...

Yesterday, a jingle truck got attacked while making its way here to deliver whatever he had in the 20-foot container on the back of the truck. Apparently, the jingle truck got hit with two (count 'em, TWO) RPGs (rocket propelled grenades), and also took some sniper fire as well. In addition to this, in the midst of all this action, the jingle truck ran off the road due to the fire it was receiving. Shortly after this happened, the CAAT (combined anti-armor team) went out to seek out the people suspected of doing this. Holding true to Murphy's Law, the CAAT convoy arrived a day late and a dollar short and didn't get there in time to find these people, and came back to the FOB.... So, today, I went out with the CAAT to go back to the jingle truck site to see what was in the container, and if it was mission essential (i.e. weapons, ammo, etc...) to somehow bring it back to the FOB. Well, the drive out there consists of driving on some of the most horrendous roads known to man kind. I would rather travel back in time to the days of covered wagons that didn't have suspensions or shock absorbers and travel on the Oregon Trail in uncharted lands then drive on these roads. It's not that these roads are just bumpy and dusty, they also go up and down several hundred feet in the mountains, and in several places, if you're a driver like I am, you have to choose between scraping your vehicle up against the mountain, or plummeting down the side of a cliff because these roads are about 2 inches wider then a Humvee... Afghanistan is just a land filled with choices, ehh?
Anyways, we get out there to the jingle truck site, and here's what I saw....

First, I immediately saw a jingle truck with no obvious damage (other than the damage that woud naturally come from years and years of driving on these roads from hell). No burn marks or fire damage, no bullet holes, just a jingle truck that somehow ran off the road. As I sat in my Humvee looking at this jingle truck, I also noticed that it was missing the classic, tell-tale sign that would've shown it was hit by an RPG. A GIGANTIC FUCKING HOLE WHEREVER IT GOT HIT!

Anyways.... A team got out, secured the area, and the seals to the container were cut, and the container was opened. I was expecting to see rays of light similar to what came out of the Ark of the Covenant in Indiana Jones and The Raiders of The Lost Ark. Sadly though, I was let down because all that was in this huge container was a bundle of engineer stakes. Engineer stakes.... Engineer stakes are just long pieces of green metal, about 3 or 4 inches wide, 5 feet tall that are used to fence boundaries with razor wire around FOBs.
Had my Humvee went careening off the side of a mountain, or an RPG hit my truck causing it to burst into flames and killing everybody inside, I think the message the Department of Defense would've sent my mother would've went something like this....

Dear Mrs. [G. I. Jack],
We regret to inform you that your son, Corporal [G. I. Jack] was killed in action when his Humvee went careening off the side of a cliff and/or his Humvee was hit by a rocket propelled grenade. You can rest
assured that your son died bravely and courageously on a very important mission to drive out to a jingle truck that went off the road because the driver is a moron to retrieve a bundle of engineer stakes.
You have our deepest sympathies.
The D.O.D.

Moving on...

Today the local who operates the crane finally got out our 20 foot container down here in the motor pool area. Back in the states, this would've been uneventful, but with Afghanis doing all the work, I knew I was in for a show. Knowing this, I climbed up on top of the roof of our motor-t shack so I could watch the action unfold before me.
Before I say what happened, I'll explain why watching Afghanis do any kind of work with machinery is funny. You see, these people aren't too technologically advanced, so when they have a machine to do the work, they just fuck around with it until they think they have it down. Most times they don't, and hilarity ensues. Also, there's usually 5-10 Afghanis trying to tackle one project, no matter how big, or how small, and everybody is ALWAYS yelling at each other. Today was no exception....
The crane driver managed to hook up the 20 foot container to the crane without incident. However, when he got it hoisted into the air, he didn't really know how to stabilize it, or keep it under control. So, we had a 35,000lb, 20 foot container swinging wildy in the air and a couple Afghanis wearing sandals and "man-jamas" trying their darnedest to grab onto it to try and control it so they can move it to where we want it. Needless to say, things didn't go their way, and a corner of the 20 footer went smashing through the windshield of the crane operator's cab, causing him to run out yelling "DIRKA, DIRKA!" with a confused look on his face.
The 20 footer smashing through that windshield killed 2 birds with one stone. It gave Sgt. [Blank] and I one hell of a good laugh, and it also stopped the 20 footer from swinging, thus allowing them to finally move it to the exact location we told them to put it.
After the 20 footer was dropped and put into place, the Afghanis began to close up shop so they could move onto their next project. This wasn't going too terribly bad and was about to go back into our motor-t shack, and then it happened. The hydraulic line for the power train that powers the crane blew a seal somewhere along the line, and began spilling hydraulic fluid all over the ground. This was funny not because it broke, but for the simple fact that since there's no EPA out here, nobody gives a shit about spilling fluids all over the ground. What was also funny was that the crane operator seemed genuinely surprised that the "seal" or "gasket" he had improvised the last time this happened broke. I wasn't surprised one bit because he was using black electrical tape instead of a rubber o-ring [ADI Note: If you don't know anything about hydraulic lines, the idea of using electrical tape to seal a hose instead of an o-ring is pretty fucking stupid] to make the seal. I thought this was hilarious.

Saturday, November 5th, 2005

Myself [and some miscellanoeous sergeants] are a part of this thing called the OST, or the Operations Support Team. Basically we're here to support Echo Company in the ways of Motor-T stuff. We don't report to them, take orders from them, or answer to them. We're just here to support them as best as we can. Echo company's CO (commanding officer) Captain [Douche], hasn't quite caught onto this yet, but that's another story in itself. So, Capt. [Douche] is talking to Sgt. [Blank] and Lt. [Blanker], who is the OST OIC (Officer In Charge), about Motor-T type stuff, i.e. trucks that need to be fixed, trucks that have been fixed etc, etc, etc. Right in the middle of talking about all that, Capt. [Douche] turns to Lt. [Blanker] and says, "Lt., I had some soft ice cream tonight, and I'm not sure what's going on with that. I'm not sure if it's the freezer it was in, or if we have a bad batch of ice cream. I think it might be a bad batch of ice cream because I've had a bad b atch of ice cream before. So check out the ice cream situation and see what's going on with that..." Lt. [Blanker] and Sgt. [Blank] both give each other looks that say "Is this guy fuckin' serious?" Sgt. [Blank] tells us this story and says,(very sarcastically too) "Maybe he didn't notice the lid to the freezer doesn't line up with the rest of the freezer, so maybe that's it?" He even made a nice little diagram using two chocolate cookies to show the freezer lid in relation to the rest of the freezer, and how the two didnt line up.

Forget worrying about FOB security, or the location(s) of enemy fighters, WE MIGHT HAVE A BAD BATCH OF ICE CREAM!!!!

*shaking my head......*

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

A couple months ago when a Humvee was blown up by an IED, Sgt. [Anonymous] had to go up there after it all happened to help load it onto the back of a jingle truck so it could be transported. After they all arrived at the scene and things started getting done, Sgt. [Anonymous] went to work preparing the truck to be loaded. One of the things he was in the process of doing was disconnecting the batteries and the battery teminals and whatnot, so that they didn't spark and cause a fire. As he was right in the middle of doing this, a Lieutenant walks up and says "Don't worry about doing that, it'll be fine as it is." The Lieutenant got no argument from Sgt. [Anonymous], and Sgt. [Anonymous] backed off, knowing full well what was going to happen. So, they got the Humvee loaded up onto the back of the jingle truck, and they started to move. After a mile or so, sure enough, the batteries sparked, causing a fire. The Humvee caught on fire, which in turn caught the jingle truck hauling it on fire. *chuckling* So, because of that, they decided it was in fact necessary to disconnect the batteries. No shit, huh?"

When G. I. Jack gets back, I expect all you assholes to bring him a drink.

Click this shit!

1 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Yeah...GI Jack is pretty hot.

7:43 PM  

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