Monday, November 14

How To Live On Your Own

It's true: moving off-campus was one of the best things I've done in college so far (besides fuck a bunch of girls and drink during class). Not only was I able to escape the ubiquitous Eye of Resident Life, but I feel all growed up living in my own house with I-suck and Scary Adam. I suggest that everyone stop pissing their money down the drain and do the same thing. In order to make your move from the dorms to a house a little easier, I've decided to pass on the wisdom I've gained over the past few months.
On Housework - Don't do it. I suggest doing what I did - move in with a neat freak who likes to do weird things like put little dispensers in the toilet bowl. That way you'll have a roommate effeminate enough to remember the little "homey" things your mom used to do, but who won't be effeminate enough to poke your butt with his weiner. Right now there is a Christmas tree in the living room. I've never, ever had a Christmas tree around my birthday, but right now it looks so good sitting out there that I had to put my presents under it. Things like this really make a house feel like a home. I'm so glad I have this roommate; if it were up to me all the house decorations would consist of newspaper held together by pieces of dirt and I would swiftly take up the habit of using the yard as my bathroom so I wouldn't have to face the giant Mold Monsters that would no doubt accumulate.
Dishes and trash and bathroom chores and vaccuuming....don't do it. It's amazing what you can turn a blind eye to. Wait for someone else to do the Cinderella shit. If you have roommates, eventually one of them will get sick of staring at filth and clean it. Why should you have to? If you can put up with a little extra dirt and the occasional weird rash on your feet, you'll never have to do housework again.
On Food - From now on, the word "nutritious" in your vocabulary should be replaced with the word "cheap". If you're walking through a grocery store and you're thinking to yourself, "Hm, I haven't had fruit yet today," then you do not have the right attitude. Fruit is expensive and it's just going to go bad (or get carried behind the refrigerator by giant roaches). What you need to look for is The Deal. You know, the deal that your mom was always looking for. You need to find frozen packages of pseudo-chicken nuggets for $1. You need to learn how to make black pepper, canned beans and hot dogs taste good. You need to realize that Ramen is a staple food. If it's not in a can or frozen, then it's a) going to cost more and b) going to sit around and go bad because your ass is too lazy to prepare real food. Concerned that you might not be getting your vitamins? Take a One-A-Day. Problem solved. If you feel like you need to get more variety in your diet, do what I did. Live next to a Chinese restaurant AND a pizza place. Now you've got all the variety you need.
Seriously, here's what I have in my kitchen right now: a shitload of Spaghetti-Os and generic derivations thereof, cookies, Pringles, chips, frozen meats of various qualities, pickled eggs, and ice cream. Not a vegetable in sight. The only reason I spent the extra couple of bucks on ice cream is because occasionally girls come by and I want to have something palatable on hand for them. I don't eat ice cream, but I keep it around for the same reason I keep a bottle of cinnamon flavored liqueur around - girls like the taste and it gets them in the mood. The end.
Feeling shitty? Drink more caffeine. It's a good substitute for sleep. Feeling like your bones ache? Eat some cookies. Feeling like you have an ulcer of some sort? Switch from spicy salsa to medium. Which reminds me...
On Medicine - You don't need this. All you need are Advil and Band-Aids. If the problem becomes something which Advil and Band-Aids can't cure, then you should be unconscious and you won't care anyway. Problem solved. Your mom doesn't live with you anymore; you can't be a crying pussy every time something doesn't go your way. Suck it up, pop some Advil, and drink a Mountain Dew. You'll be fine.

My birthday is swiftly approaching, so I'm going to cut this post short. Bring me a drink. And a present.
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