Tuesday, November 8

EXTRA!! EXTRA!! College Newspapers Suck Dick!!

I don't know if this is true on every college campus across America, but given my propensity for taking isolated incidents and extrapolating them into universal truths, I'm going to go ahead and say that all college newspapers suck ass. Here's a little rundown of what you can expect to find in such a wanton display of journalistic ineptitude.
Front Page - One of the few parts of the paper not completely deserving of defenestration or ignition. Usually this part will deal with some administrative shit going on around campus. If you're interested in seeing how the bureaucratic monolith of incompetence that is the office of campus affairs is wasting your money, you should read this section. This section also provides in-depth coverage about meaningless campus activities such as "Latino Coming Out Day"*, so if you missed it (as well you should have), you can look at "candid" pictures of your "fellow students" acting like "total faggots". SWEET!!! Fuck that.
Arts and Entertainment - Usually this section will contain nothing related to the arts or to entertainment. The author will spend his or her time reviewing crappy "indie/punk rock" CDs and movies that everyone else saw months ago. Good for you, asshole. No one cares that you think the camera work in Cabin Fever (which gets 80,000 stars on the ADI movie rating scale, by the way) "left something to be desired". You're no more of a judge of art than any other mongoloid at a keyboard. You suck. Burn this section of the paper.
Sports - I suppose that I might actually care about this section of the paper if I went to a school that had any sports teams worth mentioning. But we suck. It wouldn't be so bad if the editors didn't think it would be "interesting" (read: space-filling) to interview an athlete each week. You know, just to affirm the fact that they're total retards (the athletes....and the editors).
Ed/Op Page - When I was a freshman, this page actually used to be pretty cool. People would lace into each other and start petty arguments over stupid shit like whether or not Marxism is a worthwhile theory (it's not), whether or not abortion is permissible (it is, and it's funny), or whether or not the administration was right to blast away the pro-gay graffiti smeared all over the sidewalks before the alumni came back for Homecoming. Now this section is completely comprised of worthless articles whose headlines say something like "Freshman Experiences Some Stupid Shit That Everyone Else Has Experienced" or "Take Time To Smell The Roses And Ignore The Fact That Your Big Stupid Ass Makes A Pretty Good Target While You're Doing It". No one cares that you think you've found happiness by participating in some mindless activity like staring at falling leaves, and no one cares that you're a freshman who's experiencing something that everyone else on this campus has experienced or is currently experiencing. You suck. Kill yourself.

Not only does our campus' newspaper suck complete ass as far as content goes, but the grammatical abortions they let slip into print are enough to make even the illiterate cringe. I suppose I shouldn't care so much, but I just get pissed off that these dipshits are going to be able to put on their resumes that they were "edditers of the school paper three yers" and I'm not. Fuck them.
College newspapers should be used to rip into other people. They should be used to raise issues and address them. They shouldn't be used to let people who couldn't even make it as an English major (that's saying something, because on an intelligence scale of 1-5, English majors rate in at a whopping -40...and those are the smart ones) splooge their intellectual pus bubbles on paper that is being purchased by MY tuition money. People should give ME money to write, not wide-eyed credulous ass munchers who are skating through college on their parents' checkbooks. Fuck college newspapers...they're worthless.

Actually, I take that back. I did find a good use for the newspaper. Once, I was at a frat house and had to take a massive Taco-Bell induced shit. I rushed into the bathroom and, after several strenuous minutes that resulted in a massive endorphin rush to my brain and the feeling that I was several pounds lighter, I cast about for something to wipe my ass with. There was no toilet paper to be found anywhere. Luckily, there was a copy of The Argus (my school's newspaper) lying nearby. Although it was a bit rough around the edges, wiping my ass with that paper was certainly a hell of a lot more pleasurable than reading it.

Now bring me a drink. And be sure to write some shitty human interest story about it while you do it.

*I can't believe this is an actual event at our campus. If you're Latino, shouldn't that be rather self-evident? Why the hell do you have to "come out" of the "Latino closet" (which probably smells like burrito grease and diarrhea water)? If you think activities like these are worthwhile, then I've got a great campus activity for you: Re-enact Jonestown Day.
Click this shit!

1 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Tosha left the following bullshit...

I just browsed your blog for the FIRST time, and I have to admit I laughed. You're obviously an asshole, but at least you're a funny asshole. I couldn't agree more with your assessment of college papers. I've sent in many hilarious and biting columns yet the experts at The Alligator would rather publish an excruciating column about jorts-jean shorts. You think I'm kidding...I'm completely serious.

3:46 PM  

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