Wednesday, November 2

Dear Women: The Passing Lane is for Passing

During my driving career, I have spent a somewhat inordinate amount of time on the interstate. A lot of factors have played into this, such as dating a girl who lives in another state, driving to Nebraska to sing with a bunch of talentless flakes, driving to a job an hour away on a daily basis, etc. Now, I always try to be fair-minded and not make blanket generalizations about people based on their sex, race, or beliefs, and....

Wait, no I don't.

Women suck at driving*. Whenever I'm driving on an interstate, late for some engagement or another, phone pressed against my ear and obstinate pipe refusing to light in my mouth, I always run into the same problem: some stupid bitch driving the speed limit in the passing lane. Look, I'm going 25 miles per hour over the speed limit here and I'm barely paying attention to the road as it is; I don't need your stupid ass driving at intolerably sluggish speeds right in front of me.
Driving the speed limit is fine. Driving under the speed limit is fine. I don't care if you do either of those things. But just don't do it in the passing lane. The passing lane is for people like me. The passing lane is for people who are actually going somewhere, not for lackadaisical schmucks taking their time to view the stunning Illinois scenery (some noted points of interest along Illinois interstates: corn. Also, beans.). I'm trying to get to work on time, goddammit. I don't need to see your beige-colored Astrowagon looming in front of me, and I sure as hell don't want to spend the next ten minutes looking at the Jesus fish magnet on the back end and your "My Child Is An Honor Student At Dumbass Middle School" bumper sticker while you drive the exact same speed (45 mph) as the semi next to you. I want to GO! I want to get to my destination! That's why I got in my fucking car in the first place, bitch! I'm sure you want to afford me plenty of time to look at your "Abortion Takes a Life" bumper sticker, but doing so is only taking away precious seconds of MY life. Seconds that should be spent drinking!
The passing lane is for passing.
The passing lane is for passing.
One more time....
The passing lane is (although you would never guess it from its name) passing.
Why am I lambasting women for this behavior? Because my subjective experience has afforded all the empirical evidence I need to say, with complete certainty, that whenever there's some douchebag driving slower than eighty in the left lane, it's going to be a woman.
I hate women drivers.
I hate their shitty little puke-colored Volkswagen bastardized clown cars, I hate their useless SUVs, I hate the way they change their tampons while they're driving (I assume), and I hate the way that they monopolize the passing lane. I hate it. I also hate their stupid bumper stickers. "Earth First"? Who the hell says something like that? Fuck the Earth, what has it ever done for us? Oh yeah, that's right - Hurricane Katrina. And for Christmas last year we got a huge tsunami. The Earth has been the biggest white elephant gift giver lately.
Where was I going with this? Oh yes. Women drivers suck.
Last year I was driving home from work on an icy road (where I live, all roads are either icy or under construction year-round). I was approaching a threeway stop, going very slowly, and my car started to slide into the intersection. Now, it's not as if I had just slammed on the brakes right at the stop sign. No, I had been tapping them for a good hundred yards or so before the intersection - the roads were that shitty.
As I began sliding into the intersection, another car (which had been at a complete and utter stop) starts driving into the intersection. This dumbass, who had seen that I was unable to stop and decided to start driving straight toward me ANYWAY, then decides to slam on their brakes, making them start to slide. Luckily, I am the World's Best Driver and was able to pull myself out of the skid, but the person coming toward me slid straight into a pole while trying to avoid me.
You get three guesses as to the gender of this driver. That's right, it was a woman.
Normally, I would assume that someone who would do such an idiotic thing was trying to fuck me out of some insurance money; however, since it was a woman driver (god, that term gets more and more oxymoronic the more I type it), I can only assume that she was on her period or pregnant, or possibly both**.
Moral of the story: keep women off the roads. And bring me a drink.

*As the old joke goes, the only reason Helen Keller couldn't drive was because she was a woman.

**I realize that I have a lot of female readers who are going to be offended by this. Realize that I bear no special grudge against women because of their lack of driving abilities. This post is tongue-in-cheek, so don't get all pissed off at me because right now you should be in the kitchen making dinner and babies.
Click this shit!

2 Bullshit Responses:

Blogger Kathryn left the following bullshit...

What about old people, hmmmm? Or people like Sean Parsons who grade 2 classes worth of papers, watch an entire season of "24," etc. while driving? Or hey, what about personalized license plates that can't be decoded? Those piss me off. Like, really, what's the point if you're the only you gets it? Gah.

10:22 PM  
Anonymous G.I. Jack left the following bullshit...

you haven't seen horrible drivers until you've been to afghanistan. these fuckers are without a doubt the worst fucking drivers ever... all their steering wheels are on the right side of the vehicle, and they drive on the same side of the road we do in the states, so, when they want to pass, they swerve their entire fucking car into the opposite lane to check and see if it's clear. well, actually they don't even check, they just go and hope it's clear... fuckin' morons....

1:17 PM  

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