Sunday, November 13

Dear Abby: Fuck You

On October 17, the "Dear Abby" column in the local paper ran under the headline "Shots a risky 'rite of passage'". In it, a concerned mother asked Abby (aka, Jeanne Bitcherson) about a tradition she heard about wherein a person drinks "21 shots of alcohol" on their 21st birthday.
Abby responded in typical asshole fashion by saying that "your children are mistaken. Binge drinking isn't 'fine' and not everyone does it".
Dear Abby. Fuck you. Signed, Drunk in Ebriated.
Why am I so pissed about this column? Why should I take such a vituperative attitude toward someone whose picture looks like they are about to bake you some oatmeal cookies and sell you some Avon? Because Dear Abby here is attacking one of the most sacred of all rites: the Birthday Challenge.
In order to keep ourselves accountable and to make sure that we are the sort of alcoholics that a website with the name "Angry Drunken People" would want to continue receiving submissions from, Scary Adam and I have adopted the sacred ritual of the Birthday Challenge. The Birthday Challenge consists of drinking a shot or beer or alcoholic equivalent for every year one has been alive during the course of their birthday. Come Tuesday night at midnight, I will be in a sacred liminal stage until Wednesday at midnight, during which I will be ingesting enough alcohol to ensure myself safe passage through the year until my next Birthday Challenge.
But APPARENTLY little Miss ABBY doesn't think this is a GOOD IDEA!! According to her column, "Rapid consumption of alcohol, particularly in large amounts, is extremely dangerous. It has been known to cause severe illness, coma and even death". All I have to say to this is....duh.
Anyone who seriously thinks that they can drink 21 shots in a row is retarded. The only way to do it is to space it over the period of a day. That's why the Birthday Challenge takes up your whole birthday. The liminal stage extends from midnight to midnight. Anyone who doesn't pace themself is going to die. Sure, this is a slight risk, but the Birthday Challenge must be done.
The Birthday Challenge serves a number of useful purposes:
1) The Birthday Challenge helps weed pussies out of the world. If anyone can't handle drinking 21 shots, then they don't deserve to be alive. It's Darwinian, it's beautiful, and I won't have any of you naysayers poo-pooing this idea. How else is the human race to survive the eventual fermenting of the Earth's water supply when the ozone level erodes if we don't prepare ourselves in a stringent manner? (I'm a little fuzzy on the specifics of global warming. Deal with it.) The human race needs to improve itself, and we can't do that by being a bunch of pussies about little things like drinking 21 shots of alcohol in a day.
2) The Birthday Challenge helps you prioritize. Last year, when I had to drink 20 shots in a day, I also had a test in one class, a test prep session in another, I had to run a concert and my family came to town. Did I puss out? No. I got blitzed, got an A on my test, drank in class, did shots during my concert, and finished strong after spending some fuzzy time with my family. Would I have done as well had I not been drinking copious amounts of booze? Probably not. Without the driving force of alcohol to help me get my shit together, I would have fizzled out and died like all the other douchebag pussies who can't handle the Birthday Challenge. The Birthday Challenge worked for me, and I know it can work for you.
3) The Birthday Challenge helps you realize who your real friends are. A lot of people will claim to be your friends, but right around the 15th shot or so a lot of them will be "offended" by your "constant racial slurs" and will act like they're "too good" to "have a threesome with you and the plant". Real friends will stick it out with you. Best friends will do the Birthday Challenge with you. It's clutch times like these that separate the men friends from the boy friends. Wait, that sounded kinda gay....moving on.
4) The Birthday Challenge lets everyone know that you're not to be trifled with. When you're a person, such as myself, who writes a bunch of ridiculous shit about their drinking and fucking prowess, you'll constantly be challenged to prove yourself. People will walk up to you and be like "Angry Drunken Irishman? You're not even drunk! You ain't shit, boy!" Although it gets rather tedious, these people need to be shown up. The last time Scary Adam and Token tried to call me out, I seem to remember them not keeping up, and even some vomiting on Scary Adam's part while I skipped off to go drink at an off-campus house. If you can't fulfill the Birthday Challenge, then no one will take you seriously when you write a blog like this. When you weigh that dire possibility against the slight inconvenience of coma and possible death, how can you NOT fulfill the Birthday Challenge?
Abby concludes her polemic diatribe by saying that "Only a fool or someone very immature would take that kind of risk". Again....duh. That's why people turning 21 do it. Because 21 year olds are retarded. That's why we need to weed the shitty ones out by having them die of alcohol poisoning. God, do I have to repeat EVERYTHING I say?
Abby, I'm sorry, but...wait, I'm not sorry. You suck. Stop railing against something I hold very dear to my heart. You don't hear me lambasting tea cozies and the Cooking Channel, do you? No. So stop mocking my beliefes.

And bring me a drink. Then 20 more. Bitch.
Click this shit!

1 Bullshit Responses:

Blogger Brice left the following bullshit...

Christ, Dear Abby is such a fucking hypocrite! I attended Dear Abby's birthday bash five years ago (with Ann Landers, who, although presently deceased, was a nice piece back then). She ponied up to her own birthday challenge - after sixty-eight shots of Jager we did blow off of Héloise's ass! What a sanctimonious bitch!

4:04 PM  

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