Sunday, October 9

Leave the Pettiness in Grad School

You'd think that when you come to a liberal arts university that calls itself "the Harvard of the Midwest" (completely ignoring Washington University, University of Chicago, Notre Dame, and other schools more deserving of that title) that you wouldn't have to put up with a lot of bullshit from professors. I'm not talking about academic bullshit - in today's wacky postmodern age of women drivers and male nurses, I suppose anything goes. I'm not talking about "bullshit" the way a retarded frat guy would talk about a professor's bullshit; excessive homework doesn't bother me, and I like to be challenged.
I'm talking in particular about a professor on this campus who seems to have a problem with me. This in itself is baffling, since I tend to get along well with everyone, especially professors, and have only talked to this particular professor maybe twice in my life. I was told by a couple of people that this particular professor (for privacy's sake, we'll refer to hir* as Dr. Maniac, after a Jerry Spinelli character) was "really pissed" at me. Why would such a professor be so angry at me if I've only talked to hir* a couple of times?
Oh yeah. This blog.
The only thing I can think of is that somehow Dr. Maniac got ahold of my writings (particularly those lacing into particular philosophies held by weakasses on this campus) and got all sorts of riled up. I guess all I have to say about the fact that this sort of hullabaloo is being raised is this:
Fucking get over it.
Seriously, how much of a loser do you have to be to care about what I write? You're a goddam professor, for God's sake.
Without even appealing to arguments regarding free speech and the Constitution and a bunch of other hippy bullshit (these arguments, in case you haven't noticed, are usually used by neo-Nazis and rednecks who want to fly swastikas and Dixie colors in the yard of their trailer), the fact that a professor would get angry about an undergraduate's personal webpages is laughable at best. What kind of influence am I going to wield over the student body? What harm am I going to do? None.
If it's not going to hurt you, let it be.
I know that I somehow have this reputation from people who don't know me as a sort of baby-eating ogre who kicks the walkers out from under old people and blows pipe smoke in the faces of cancer victims. In reality, I'm just a fellow lover of knowledge who happens to be way funnier than you, Dr. Maniac. I believe that everyone is an individual and should function as such in a society of individuals who should be judged by their accomplishments and not their external biological features. I believe that gender roles should be eradicated and that everyone should be left to do whatever they want as long as they don't hurt someone else. Ideally, we would live in a world without gender or race.
However, our world is gendered and colored, and I also happen to think that it's really funny when someone makes a black joke or a joke about women*. Why do I think it's funny? Perhaps it's because the disparity between socially held norms and my ideal vision for the world is so great that it's actually humorous. Perhaps it's because a joke is a joke, no matter the subject material. However, this is not a discourse on the philosophy of humor. This is a rant, goddammit.
I'd appreciate it if everyone would sit down and repeat two things to themselves:
1) "The Angry Drunken Irishman is a fictional character." It is a pseudonym. It is a voice adopted who occasionally says things that the writer might not actually say himself. (For more on this, read Stephen King's The Dark Half or any of his writings about his pen name, Richard Bachman).
2) "It doesn't matter what someone writes." I have no power. I'm a goddam undergraduate student. You can say that the pen is mightier than the sword, that I'm affecting the way people think, that I'm promulgating a bad mentality, and any other horseshit you want. It doesn't make it true. People who think that I'm being a bad influence on the world are the same sort of people who claim that anorexia is caused by the media: morons. Sure, there might be some sort of influence...but that's only because I'm already appealing to something that was inside of my reader. I'm not putting new ideas into someone's head, I'm simply bringing out what was already there and making it funny by putting it into a tongue-in-cheek context, albeit a harsh one. If those notions weren't already held by the audience, then the jokes wouldn't be funny and the audience wouldn't be able to relate to my adopted voice at all. People wouldn't read it.
If you have any sort of justification for telling me why I shouldn't write this shit, please, tell me. Don't go badmouthing me to your fellow professors like a coward. If you want to get a hold of me, it's not that hard. I go to this school. If you want to have an intelligent, adult conversation, then I'm your man. I don't appreciate passive-aggressiveness, and I sure as hell don't like backstabbing. You'd think that, as a professor, you'd have more important things to do (such as your job) than read some undergrad's leisure writing. Maybe you could contribute something original to your field. Maybe you could help a student who's in one of your classes. Maybe you could do something, I don't know, that ACTUALLY MATTERS. I'm only going to say this one more time: get over it.
To everyone else, I'm sorry that this post isn't that funny. When I'm legitimately pissed, all humor seems to go out the window. I could have really made this post humorous and laced into Dr. Maniac, but I've tried to be adult and restrain myself. Don't worry, I've got more shit in the works that should get us back on the Funny Train.

In the meantime, bring me a drink.

*This isn't a typo. This is a gender-neutral pronoun, for all you dumbasses who didn't know. I encourage their use.
**Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None! Bitch can cook in the dark.
Click this shit!

2 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.

5:29 PM  
Blogger Kathryn left the following bullshit...

I'll take "the penis mightier!!!" for 400. . .

P.S. Your writing has brought me hours of enjoyment and aided in countless evenings of procrastination. Thank you for that, Austin Bus. . .err, "Angry Drunken Irishman."

9:58 PM  

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