Tuesday, September 6

My Funeral

As of late, I have noticed that a considerable number of people with whom I have had contact or who have affected my life in some way are now dead. While attending memorial services and funerals of various kinds, I noticed a few things. There was way too much talk about Jesus and God and other fantasy bullshit and not enough talk of the deceased. There was an emphasis to portray an image of the deceased that may or may not have been real. And, all in all, funerals just suck.
In the interest of providing my surviving relatives and friends with an atypical experience when I am gone, I have decided to record here the manner in which I would like my final farewell to be conducted:
To my favorite brother, I leave sole charge of my estate and financial gains, but my financial debt I leave to my parents, because it is their fault that this debt exists in the first place, since they are miserly old bastards. My brother may have anything of mine that he wishes; however, any property which he does not desire is to be gathered in a giant pile outside of a homeless shelter. I hereby request that all indigent and destitute peoples that can be found should be summoned to this pile of my worldly goods, at which point it shall be burned to ashes while they look on. The video tape of them trying to grab flaming goods may also be sold commercially to help alleviate the cost of funeral expenses.
My body is to be cremated. I have no need of it, and neither do you. Burn it, and pour the ashes into the largest whiskey bottle you can find.
At my memorial service, I would like the following things to be done:
Somewhere among my personal effects is a leatherbound journal containing some herb knowledge I have acquired. Any drink recipes found in that journal are to be mixed and handed out as refreshments. Since the ingredients are all perfectly legal, and since they have a rather....shall we say, "hallucinogenic" quality, this should be quite amusing.
Also in that journal is a list of all the women with whom I have slept. It is to be read aloud. Twice.
Among my personal effects is a stash of love letters and other notes I have received from various paramours during my life. They are to be placed about the funeral home in lieu of collages. Actually, make collages, since most pictures of me involve one or both of my middle fingers, and I'd really like to flip the bird to people one last time.
By the whiskey urn which is to be my final resting place, I request that two shot glasses and a bottle of Glenlivet scotch be placed. Any who wish to do so may join me in a final toast, which shall go thusly:
"He may have been surly, he may have been mad, but now he's just ashes, and boy am I glad."
At which point the shot will be ingested by both my corporeal remains via the hole in the top of the whiskey bottle and by the surviving alcoholic bastard friend of mine who would actually do something so inapprorpiate as this at my memorial service. All who wish to may do this as many times as they please.
Even though my body is now ash, I would still like to have a headstone of some sort so as to provide a place of urinary relief for all the people who imbibed at my funeral. In fact, I demand that all friends of mine, G.I. Jack, Scary Adam, Wopper, Dave, I-suck, Token, St. Patrick S. Grant, Keef, and any others I may have forgotten, piss on my grave.
This do in remembrance of me. And bring me a drink.
Click this shit!

4 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

You actually keep a list of women you've slept with? Well, that's charming. You're such a top-notch guy.

6:52 AM  
Blogger The Angry Drunken Irishman left the following bullshit...

You actually read this shitty blog? Well, that's encouraging to my ego. You're such a loser.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous G.I. Jack left the following bullshit...

I promise i will adhere to your wishes....

sincerely, G.I. Jack

oh hey, by the way, i just made it back to afghanistan yesterday.... took me 9 fucking days to get here.... ridiculous....

6:11 AM  
Blogger Tim left the following bullshit...

HEY!!! Can someone post here when you are formally declared dead? I'd like to attend the funeral. Sounds like great fun!

2:57 PM  

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