Friday, August 19

I hate hypocritical whores....part deux

Since my last post (of which there have been regrettably few as of late, due to a number of factors which I intend to explain in a later post), I thought that women couldn't possibly fuck me over any more. After all, I've been recently dumped, recently told I wasn't going to get a threesome, and (as a result) recently drunk. However, I was recently wrong.
Last Saturday night took every ranting lunatic conspiracy-theory horseshit claim I've made about the female gender and realized it. Here is the story:
9:30 - Tom, Jeff and I go to a hookah bar. I talk to a neopagan douchebag (who neatly juxtaposed his criticisms of every other form of neopaganism's claims to legitimacy with the phrase "everybody needs to find their own way, why can't Christians understand that?" without realizing his own inherent hypocrisy) and we smoke hookahs. Fun level is high
10:30 - We go to Boz's house, an off-campus place affiliated closely with the Best Frat on Campus. We drink. There are girls.
11:00 - I am getting drunker. I call out this girl, whom we'll call "N" (that's not her real name....her real name is Nikki), and say she's a poser because all night she's been talking in this goddam Jennifer Lopez wannabe accent, wearing a Fred Durst-style red cap that says "Bronx" on it in Gothic letters, and saying she'll "kick my ass". Whatever, bitch. I could have you crying in thirty seconds. I invite her to kick my ass. Our repartee for the evening largely consists of a call-and-response to her threatening me and me threatening her. Her friend "Becky" decides that discretion is the better part of valor, and simply stares bleary-eyed into the distance while trying not to fall off of the couch. She wasn't so sober. Beh.
11:30 - We play Circle of Death. I get really drunkish.
Sometime around 1 - We decide to go to ISU to a party. The girls go back to their apartment. Thinking that the ISU party might suck, I give my number to the girls against my better judgment.
1-ish - We arrive at ISU. The party does suck. I call the girls. They come pick me up and take me back to "Nikki's" place. Sadly, the only girl worth talking to had to teach Sunday school in the morning, so she drove home. Asshole.
I resume my previous banterings with "Nikki", and decide I've had enough fucking around. Becky comes into the room, so I ask Nikki if she can kick my ass while making out with Becky. She does not succeed, but she sure as hell tries. Becky and I make out. Nikki and I make out. Nikki and Becky make out. You get the picture.
To avoid getting into lurid details and making this a smut story (also, I can't remember exactly what happened-thanks a lot, Alcohol), I'll stick with some highlights:
-Nikki topless
- Becky topless
-Nikki and Becky making out on top of me
- Dry-humping
I was all set to go on the threesome, and, judging from the girls' behavior, I thought they were too. That is a good thing, because frankly neither of these girls would have been very attractive on their own unless I was way drunker. But, as I always say, a pair of deuces beats a queen (in other words, a threeway with two homely chicks is better than sex with a hot chick.....sometimes). However, there was a little fly in the ointment: Nikki got up and left.
I entertained myself with Becky's boobs for a while (Nikki, if you're reading this they are better than yours), then went to go find Nikki. She was sitting in the living room as if nothing had happened.
Me - "Um, excuse me, why'd you leave?"
Her - "Oh, well, you see, the thing is, Becky has a boyfriend and I'm trying to get her into trouble with him"
Me - "Uh....well, don't you think you should at least be present so you can give a full and satisfactory account?"
Her -
Now I'm pissed. I'm in a strange apartment, don't know where I am, I've just been informed that one of the girls I was trying to rope into a threeway has a boyfriend and the other one is a conniving bitch. I really needed something to drink.
I returned to the boudoir and found Becky more or less passed out. I went back outside and Nikki had gone upstairs to use her cell phone. Hopefully it gave her brain cancer. Not knowing what else to do, I briefly considered peeing on the kitchen floor and stealing all of Nikki's panties. Instead, I just put my shoes on and left.
Once outside, I called Tom for a ride. He was nice enough to come pick me up and I feel like a real douche for ditching him and Jeff for those whore bags. Sorry, guys.
3:45 AM - I go to bed. Fuck women.

If you're a woman and offended by this, well....I don't care. Maybe you should bring me a drink.
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