Thursday, July 7

Fuck Porn

Ever since I've moved to my new house and upgraded from a dial-up connection (24 kbps) to a cable connection (100 mbps), I've taken full advantage of the miracles of modern technology and spent a majority of my online time towards fulfilling a childhood dream: downloading and cataloguing the Greatest Porn Collection Ever. The recent addition of an external hard drive which gives me ten times my previous memory capacity has helped me to realize this dream in ways I never would have thought possible.
However, along with the irreversible psychological damage and irritable eye strain that comes from watching literally hours upon hours of porn (all of which is done so that the porn can be properly catalogued and labelled...seriously), I've noticed one thing about porn: it sucks.
Pornography sucks so much. No wonder women bitch so much about it. Not only are the girls largely unattractive and the dialogue stilted at best, but when you really stop and think about the kind of shit you're looking at, it makes you feel like the entire male gender inherited sexual retardation along with the Y chromosome.
Here's a typical scenario: two people are together. They get undressed. You start thinking to yourself, Hm, this is kind of hot. Let's see how it proceeds. There's kissing, boob-touching, etc. Just when things are getting nice and steamy, BAM! there's a tongue in the butt. Now, what in holy hell makes it socially acceptable at all to advertise this sort of behavior as "erotic"? I don't want to think about someone's tongue in my butt, I don't want to think about tonguing someone else's butt, and I sure as hell don't want to watch some bitch stick her tongue in another bitch's butt. Tongue in the butt is not cool.
But, being male, you just think to yourself, Ok, I can handle this, maybe it'll get better. And usually, it does. The kissing resumes, you try to ignore the fact that this person is now kissing someone who just had their tongue in her butt, and things heat up once again. Various sex toys come out, insertion follows, then all of a sudden someone is sucking on someone else's toes. What the hell is up with that? I don't want to see toe-sucking anymore than I want to see butt-tonguing. It's gross. Putting your mouth on someone else's poop or on someone else's fungus-infected yellow toenails is not cool. It's just one step below butt-tonguing.
If you're watching male-on-female porn, then of course you have to deal with the obligatory cumshot. Usually this takes place right after the guy has just fucked the girl in the butt. God forbid the guy shoot his semen anywhere I can't see it; he has to take his cooter-juice-encrusted poop-smeared dick out and shove it in this ugly girl's face (look at the face of any girl in a porn video - she's ugly). If you haven't turned the porn off at this point then you're treated to the exquisite pleasure of some guy shooting his load all over a girl's face. Did I mention this is also gross? Because it is. Look, porn-makers, you don't have to graphically show that this guy is having an orgasm just so I know when to stop masturbating. I'll shoot my load on my own time, I don't have to watch him shooting his.
So now you've just watched a butt-tonguing, toe-sucking, face-jizzing porn. And that's just what regular porn is like. God forbid you watch kinky porn. Then you have to deal with 18 year olds pretending that they're 12 year old nieces of some horny guy who gives them beer in exchange for blowjobs. Either that or you have to deal with ten guys tying up some bitch and gangbanging her while shoving her head into a toilet. Or you have to watch some mom seduce her daughter's friend and her daughter. Porn is gross and stupid and completely unerotic.
Why do I have a problem with this, you ask? Because more often than not it kills the mood. I'm not just talking about the mood for me. I'm talking about the mood for my female companion. Usually when I watch porn, I'm not alone (note to readers - if you think that watching porn with a girlfriend is kinky, then go kill yourself because you're a stupid loser who masturbates by himself every night and will die alone....and if you kill yourself, make sure you tape some black guy raping your corpse so your parents will have something to sell to the porn industry to pay for a box to bury your worthless ass in). I have some girl or other with me, wanting to get in the mood. I can ignore a lot of stuff. I can ignore butt-tonguing and other gross shit. But usually the girl with me can't. About thirty seconds into the video I have to either fast forward it or stop it because she's no longer turned on. After five minutes of watching porn, she's scared off of sex for life and is already suggesting that we sit up and read on opposite sides of the room for the rest of the night. This leaves me feeling sexually frustrated, which usually leads to me drinking, which usually leads to broken things and weird scars on my arms.
And don't even get me started on Japanese porn. If I wanted to see a schoolgirl fuck a tree monster with four penes just so she can transform into a demon creature with horns and claws for a vagina, I'd do LSD. Fuck the Japanese. We should bomb them again just for their hentai.
Goddammit, porn industry. You allegedly make billions of dollars, why the fuck can't you produce some decent porn? You know, something to watch with my lady friends? No more of this shit-fetish crap, how about you make something actually erotic? And I'm not talking about that soft-core, no-snatch-showing horseshit either; I can watch that shit on cable TV if I want.
Fuck shitty porn, and fuck the lonely masturbating assholes who lead to the production of shitty porn. And fuck you...just because.

Now bring me a drink.



(Author's Note: There is also an ulterior motive for me writing this piece. After seeing how much traffic this blog gets from assholes who type phrases like "woman having sex with a demon" "peed herself" and "how to have a threesome" into Google search engines, I'm hoping to boost my numbers a bit. Suckers!)
Click this shit!

7 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

The easy solution to the madness is not having to rely on the porn industry to turn the woman on. Duh.

6:51 PM  
Blogger Sassy left the following bullshit...

LMAO@tongue in the butt

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

um 100mb down? lol try like 3-4.5 or 7 if you have the new comcast

11:48 AM  
Blogger vAgue left the following bullshit...

you're insane, but that was funny.....
um, my memories of porn (for that is what they have been for a while) are a tad better, I must admit... some weird shit, but enough passable porn to have not left me scarred (at least in that sort of way)

3:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Try "Edward Penishands". The hands might not be what you'd think. It's not like... a penis for each finger. Oh no. There are oddly realistic- looking, GARGANTUAN PENISES instead of hands. - Rachel G., The GermyOldLady.

11:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Make your own porn Captain threesome!

GFY
--Lubas

8:42 PM  
Anonymous livedrumbeat left the following bullshit...

Okay, I agree with the make your own porn comment....unless you don't like seeing your own ass...

9:56 AM  

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