Monday, June 27

I Live on Crazy Street 2: The Chronicles of People Who Sleep in My Yard

After the last post I put up, a lot more happened. Apparently, the lady I mentioned who stopped by requesting that I call 911 decided to stick around for a couple of laughs. Here's what went down:

Last night I couldn't sleep. Despite my best efforts to play Conker, Live and Reloaded until the Sandman carried me off, it just wasn't happening. Lying in my bed while staring at the wall and thinking about my current relationship status (not good) got to be rather tedious, so I decided to go outside and have a smoke. I walked out back by our pond and had just lit my clove when I saw a flash of light-colored linen and heard an unearthly shriek. Now, I'm a person who's easily spooked by shit that goes bump in the night, so my first thought was that a wraith or banshee or something had decided to inhabit my backyard. However, it just turned out that the lady who rang my doorbell yesterday afternoon had decided to sleep in my yard. She says that I startled her. Fuck her, she took ten years off of my life with that ungodly shriek of hers.
The lady (whom I'll call Zoe from now on) came over to me and embraced me. She called me her angel. I didn't really know what to say, since I hadn't exactly done anything. However, I figured that she must have been through some sort of turmoil because, after all, she was sleeping in my yard. While hugging me, she asked, "Are you smoking a clove?" I said yes. She then bummed one off of me. Then she asked for a glass of water.
Being the kind soul that I am, I went inside and fetched her a cup of water. I came back out to find her sitting by the pond in our back yard. I went over and sat by her. At this time, she struck me as sort of a lonely person. It seemed like she had been through a lot, and just wanted to talk to someone. So I sat and listened as she started to relate the Complete and Unabridged Version of Zoe's Life.
Zoe was born in Africa, raised in Belgium, had one ex-husband and one husband on the way to becoming an ex (apparently he kicked her out this morning). She was Muslim, but had spent a lot of time with a Wiccan High Priestess and Catholic Spiritualists. She kept talking about angels. This captured my attention, since religion and the unexplained are subjects that really get me off.
However, something about Zoe didn't seem to quite add up. After sitting and listening to her talk for about an hour, I realized that she really wasn't saying anything. Occasionally she would say something interesting like "My people are coming for me" while pointing to the stars, but other than that it was just random horseshit about kids she babysat for in Champaign-Urbana. She kept repeating herself and backing up. I started losing interest. Her boring story and the fact that she kept grabbing my hand and asking for energy (oddly enough, she's not the first person to do this) were really starting to wear on me. Then things started to get weird.
Zoe told me that she had a disease which made it impossible for her to feel sexual pleasure (I felt tempted to ask her if this disease was called "piety", but restrained myself) and made it impossible for her to have children. She then looked at me, smiled a big crazy person smile and said, "Now I know why you were sent to me!" She then hugged me and kissed my cheek. I was very frightened that she was going to ask me to impregnate her right then and there. But she just continued with her meaningless life story.
After a while, Zoe took my hands and placed them on her back. She asked me to hold them there. She grew very quiet and meditative. I grew very bored. She then moved my hands to another area of her back and did the same thing. I grew more bored. After that, she looked me full in the face and said, I shit you not, "Now you can touch me the way you want to."
I was baffled. I didn't know what the hell this lady was talking about. She was sleeping in my yard. I felt bad for her. I listened to her bullshit. I still fail to see how that constitutes anything remotely close to a date. I was really hoping that she wasn't asking me to bang her in my back yard.
I asked her to please elaborate on her statement. She then told me I have healing hands and that I needed to help her. As a sort of compromise, I sort of rubbed her back lightly. She then said, "Oh, no, it will never work through the cloth" and proceeded to take her dress off. Now there was a 41-year-old woman bare-ass naked (apparently this dress was all she had time to put on before her husband kicked her out) in my backyard asking me to rub her. Now, I'm no stranger to women who want to get naked and have me rub them two hours after meeting me. But women who do it outside at two in the morning are something of a novelty. Especially ones as old as my mom. However, before I congratulate myself too much, I should probably bring up the fact that Zoe took her clothes off partially because she had peed herself.
In my last post, I wondered whether or not the dampness on the back of this lady's dress was pee. Turns out I was right. Grossfully right.
Zoe told me when she was peeing earlier. I didn't need her to tell me; I could smell it. It was fucking weird and gross to have this grown woman sitting next to me, telling me I'm an angel whose job is to do something great for America, while she's peeing on herself. She also told me about how she peed herself earlier when she encountered some lavender plants at the flower shop next door to my house. Apparently, peeing yourself is some sort of spiritual encounter. Who knew?
Did I mention that Zoe was completely crazy? She kept telling me when visions would pop into her head, and what they were about. She would point to people she saw. She showed me where she saw an angel hiding by the pond. She showed me how the lily pads in my pond represented two continents, America and Europe, and explained how I was supposed to save one and she was supposed to save the other. She told me that she saw a man with white hair who was going to die. She told me that I was meant to meet and marry her niece, Yasmin, and that we were meant to save America from war. She kept rubbing my cowrie shell necklace. She kept picking up rocks, washing them in the pond, and then scrubbing her feet and knees. She told me that I had a mission, and that time was short for her because her mission was going to end tonight. She kept belaboring this point, telling me that her mission was going to end tonight.
So here I am, standing outside at about three in the morning with a naked African-American lady with a French accent who's telling me that I was meant to save the world. I told her that I had to go in and go to sleep because I felt that our time was up together. She agreed, and gave me a full-on, naked crazy person hug. She also kissed my chest. I felt bad for her, but was also creeped way the hell out. She then asked if she could shower because, after all, she peed herself. I reluctantly agreed, although I suspected that once she got in the house it would be hard to get her out.
I was right.
She took a quick shower (and didn't cut her wrists in the bathtub with my razors, thank god), and afterwards asked me (naked, of course) if she could borrow some clothing because, hey, she fucking PEED ON HERSELF. I gave her a ratty-ass T-shirt and a pair of shorts that no longer fits me. She left her dress in our bathroom. She told me that her mission was ending tonight, and that she wouldn't be needing her dress or her shoes. Instead, she picked up her belongings, which consisted of a videotape, a twig from my yard, two rocks, a lily pad from our pond, her dentures (wrapped in the rocks and lily pad), her purse, and a book called On Entering the Sea: The Erotic and Other Poetry of Nizar Qabbani. She then started wandering around, looking at various things. She asked to use my cell phone. I handed her the cell phone that she had in her purse. She told me that the battery wasn't working and she had to use my cell phone. I pointed to her perfectly working cell phone and said "Look! It's working! The Goddess has worked a miracle!" She certainly couldn't argue with my logic, so she took the cell phone into our bathroom for a little while. After she came back out, she started wandering around again with that "I don't want to leave yet" demeanor. Too bad, bitch, it's 4 in the morning now. You're leaving.
She told me that she wanted to bless my house. I told that I had already blessed it. "Can't you feel that it's blessed?" I asked. She looked around and smiled a big gap-toothed smile (she still hadn't put her dentures in) and said "Yes! You ARE special!" and gave me another crazy person pee-hug. She then decided to leave (finally), so I showed her out the door and watched her walk away clad only in my T-shirt and shorts. That was my night last night.


Today she showed up again. She was out back in the garden as I was relating the events of last night to my roommate. He saw her and jumped against the wall. We then proceeded to creep around and shut all the blinds because, quite frankly, we're scared of crazy people. After we had hidden ourselves in the bathroom, the doorbell rang. I gave an involuntary yelp of terror. We held our breaths until we heard her footsteps going away. After she had gone out back to our pond again, we snuck to the front door. She had left a bag with my clothes in it, along with photocopies of her blood test and urinalysis results. There was also a pair of socks that I had never seen before. I guess her mission didn't end last night.
But that wasn't the most disturbing thing. Hanging from the hook of the hook-and-eye latch to our screen door was my roommate's set of keys. Apparently she had snatched them from the coffee table when I wasn't looking. I am the worst roommate ever.
My roommate left to go to work. I took my clothes out of the bag, put the shoes and the pee-dress she had left last night in the bag, and set it out on the front porch. That was about three hours ago. I hope she comes and gets it quietly.

Updates will come as they happen.
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3 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

das crazy, austin. wow. I wish stuff like that happened to me. Wow.

8:23 PM  
Anonymous Your Lovin' Tiger left the following bullshit...

oh my GOD face!! she took isaac's keys?! dahling, your fascination with the strange and your inert desire to trust and help and be good is going to get you into trouble one day. i think you should report everything that happened to the police in case something happens down the line. purely based on the fact that she a. slept in your garden and b. STOLE THE KEYS TO YOUR HOUSE. watch out, bub, she's comin' back to pee on YOU!

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

i agree with your lovin tiger--you're gonna get peed on if you don't watch it bud... besides, you're my angel, austin.

-ye olde english pipes

10:00 PM  

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