Thursday, June 30

Fuck Gun Control

During the years I've spent on this Earth, which can be largely characterized by the phrase "spontaneous mediocrity", one axiom has made itself perfectly clear time and time again. I'm referring, of course, to that famous old saying from days of yore (which I just made up): "Guns are like remote controls. They're very entertaining to use when you're bored, but you can never find one when you really need it."
Now, I know a lot of you bleeding heart whiney tree-hugging hippy bastards might have some objections to this. "But we don't like guns" you say. "Guns are loud and scary and they kill people." Sure, maybe guns kill a few people here and there. Maybe a few bad apples use them to coerce women into having sex with them or to get rid of that pesky neighbor across the street or to let their wives know that they are not fucking around and they are sick and goddam tired of coming home from a hard day's work to find that their food is not prepared and the baby needs changing and the dog shat on the floor and GODDAMMIT MURIEL I'M SICK OF YOUR SHIT!
However, even the most jaded hippy must admit to him or herself that even they have felt deep-seated gun lust from time to time. C'mon, admit it. You know that you've wanted a gun. You probably even wanted one today. When you were in line at the supermarket and that smelly old lady ahead of you couldn't figure out how to swipe her debit card through the machine, you felt the hatred begin to rise. When she had to call the cashier over to help her, it kept growing. When she realized that she didn't have enough cash in her checking account to cover the half gallon of milk and thirty cans of cat food she was buying and instead started to count out exact change from her little floral-print coin purse, you felt the Gun Lust take over. By the time she realized that she didn't have enough cash on her to cover all of her cans of cat food and began debating out loud over which ones to keep and which ones to send back, you were praying to all the gods you've ever heard or read about that somehow a Glock would magically appear in you hand so you could utter some clever catch phrase like "DIE, BITCH!" and put a hole in her head large enough to house a sizable family of opossums.
But you didn't have a gun, did you? What did you have to do instead? That's right, you had to sit there and smile with your thumb up your ass while acting like this was the greatest thing in the world.
Gun control is stupid. Guns don't kill people; white guys with small penes and gender issues kill people. If we could all just agree that everyone should be given a gun at, say, eighth grade graduation, then the world would be a much better place; not only would eighth grade graduation actually mean something now, but all the kids in the world would be able to protect themselves from muggers, the boogeyman, and Michael Jackson. Imagine how the Columbine shootings would have gone differently if all of those kids and teachers had guns; those Trench Coat Mafia losers wouldn't have been worth a fart in a high wind. Or imagine if the St. Louis Cardinals had guns during the World Series with the Bosox. Trust me, the world would be a much better place if everyone were armed.
Traffic would be a lot less of a headache. If everyone had a gun, then no one would have to sit behind some stupid bitch in a Kia Sportage at an intersection and watch her talk on her cell phone about how this cute guy almost spilled coffee on her at work. That's right bitch, you take too long to get going once the traffic light turns green, BAM! Instant brain hood ornament.
Crime would go down. Robberies wouldn't occur. People wouldn't break into other peoples' houses. Banks would be safer than they are now. People would be able to walk the streets at night without any fear. Batman, Spiderman, Thor and the Punisher would all be rendered obsolete.
The answer is not to limit ownership of guns. The answer is to encourage ownership of guns. Even if guns are outlawed, there will always be people who carry them (and by this I mean black people)*. Instead of making it so only criminals can get guns, we should make it possible for everyone to have a gun.
That way I can shoot someone if they don't bring me a goddam drink.


*I can say that. I know a black guy. And since he doesn't have a gun, there are no negative consequences for my racist statement. See how gun distribution can make the world a better place?
Click this shit!

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