Monday, May 30

To the Class of 2005 : A Rant Dedicated to You (ADDITIONS AT THE BOTTOM)

Dear Class of 2005,

As valedictorian of my high school graduating class, I made a speech about how we can all change the world. I compared high school graduation to childbirth; I said that although changes can hurt, they are necessary in order to further our growth as people. I quoted Jesus, and told people that "a mother's pain in childbirth is quickly forgotten in her joy at seeing her baby." I talked for a while.

I wish I hadn't.

Since it's graduation time, I thought I'd write a little speech conveying some unspoken sentiments I should have expressed when I had the chance. Here goes:
There are too many damn graduations. Why does everyone feel the need to celebrate every fucking accomplishment in their child's life? Eighth grade graduation....what the hell is that? Eighth graders haven't accomplished anything. They haven't built a house or made discoveries in scientific fields, so why the hell do we give them parties? Eighth graders suck. The only cool kid I know who's graduated from eighth grade this year is my little brother, and I'm not giving him shit. Eighth grade graduation is a waste of everyone's time. Fuck eighth graders.
High school graduation is scarcely better. Although it's still a waste of everyone's time and money, there's at least a good reason to have a high school graduation. A lot of the graduating class will either be joining the military or going directly into the work force - either way, this is the greatest accomplishment they'll experience in their lives, so why not throw away our hard-earned money on Josten's overpriced horseshit and live a little?
College graduation? At least you've accomplished something, but the students are too stressed out about the fact that they're staring a life-long table-waiting career right in the face to enjoy their graduation.
All in all, graduation is a waste of time. It's an excuse for people to cry and promise that they'll stay in touch and to hang on to the past for a little while longer. Bullshit, I say.
I'm bored writing this graduation speech. Fuck this. I'm going to talk about me now.

This school year has been a very interesting one for me. I've realized the power of the written word, and I've also realized just how much people can get bent out of shape over one person's bullshit. Here are some highlights from my LiveJournal and this blog:
- I pissed off an entire fraternity: One simple entry regarding the pigheaded behavior of one individual was apparently enough for a house full of football players to put a bounty out on my head. Since this was largely a local matter for my university, I haven't really mentioned it on this site. However, I'm bored and I haven't posted for a week, so I'm going to quote the original entry from my LJ:
"Ok, do me a favor. Picture a twelve year old Catholic boy wearing lederhosen and sucking the creme filling out of a Twinkie in a port-a-pottie behind an 'NSync concert while a lecherous old man wearing a rhinestone suit stands by and watches while touching himself inappropriately. Got this image in your head?
This is way gayer than that.

A while ago, Scary Izzle wrote about his experience at a certain Greek house on campus. For privacy's sake we'll call it "[name of fraternity deleted due to controversy]". He said some rather unflattering things about its denizens, and due to some controversy from a certain Dr. Choderag, he had to take this post down at the risk of offending Large Burly Men. So, just to make sure we're all on the same page, the situation goes like this: a Long Ass Time ago, someone writes a stupid tongue-in-cheek post about a shitty frat house on a crappy little LJ page, but then deletes it because certain potheads are too retarded to appreciate good humor. Ok...

So tonight one of the main character's in Scary Izzle's account, a certain dealer of the leaf who shall remain nameless, decides to approach Izzle about this situation. Keep in mind that this is a good two months since the original shit was written. At LEAST two months. Damn, I thought [name deleted] people could only remember stuff from within the last half hour. But I digress. This specimen of troglodytic mediocrity comes up to Izzle, and one thing is instantly clear: this dude is a good foot or so taller than Izzle. He starts questioning Izzle's desire to challenge his character, saying "You don't even know me, why would you call me a douchebag?" and other gay shit, trying to act like his feelings are honestly hurt by this whole ordeal. This guy was seriously trying to act like Izzle's shitty post had some sort of realistic impact on his life and like he was here seeking answers as to why someone would write such horrid things about him. Why the fuck couldn't this piece of shit just be honest with the fact that he was here to intimidate Izzle in order to get off on the power trip? Why play these games, O Crafty Buttfuck? Why the masquerade?

Anyway, long story short, Big Burly Man leaves mid-sentence in a huff, probably so he can tell his friends that "I had to leave before I punched that guy" later on when they're all inhaling controlled substances. Izzle and I walk away largely unaffected, and certainly not learning a lesson of any sort. Moral of the story? People fucking suck. Especially this particular piece of shit."

This entry sparked a bombardment of comments, the likes of which my LJ had never seen. Some of the highlights included harsh retaliations from members of the "Fiji" frat who said things like "
the point of your story has absolute no meaning....let alone the fact that you are a regular gay faggot kid that likes lil boys and you are willing to stick up your ass for your all shall perish in the flames of the everlasting jesus christ and our savior....otherwise grow out of your lil dick homo stage and be a man....stop hiding behind the words of a word file and speak of what you believe...otherwise no one ever will respect you or your faggoty ass buddies...i leave you in part with the least amount of balls i have ever experienced and if you ever say another word about myself or my shall suffer the necessary consequences...your frat buddy....lick em homo" and another comment predicting that "So a few years down the road, when all of us are running our own companies, and you are sittin in some shithole apartment in NYC attempting to find steady work at the local deli, living off the tax dollars that our company's pay, I know you will be thinking to yourself, "Wow, too bad I wasn't cool enough to be in a fraternity." Maybe that's why you ridicule us so much, b/c you aren't cool enough, probably won't ever be, to be in a fraternity" (these comments are absolutely unedited...all grammatical mistakes were in the originals). For a while it was ridiculous; threats of libel charges abounded and all sorts of bullshit went down. When the dust settled, I still apologized for nothing. I will never apologize for that post. I rule. The entire thread can be found here.

- I pissed off a bunch of English majors: I wrote an earlier post on my LJ post regarding some literary splooge the English department had smeared all over my campus. Some of the replies included such gems as "Girls can be poets. Girls are people and authors and everything too. Allow your speech patterns to reflect this...otherwise you just seem even more archaic and patriarchal than your argument points out that you are." You might be asking yourself why someone would post this as a comment to my article? Because I said "his". That's why. The English language has no neutral pronoun, everyone uses the masculine as a default pronoun so I do it too, and all of a sudden I'm sexist? Fuck that.

- I lost my job because of my online writing: As I said in an earlier post, my boss fired me and suggested that I get counseling because of a post I put up. A lot of my friends have tried to convince me that I was unjustly terminated and that my freedom of speech was infringed upon. Although I didn't enjoy being fired, I fully support my boss's decision to terminate me. I'm reposting the article that got me fired just so you can all understand why I was justly and fairly terminated.....
"I just got done tutoring a very stupid girl. A very stupid girl indeed. A walking conglomeration of all that is wrong with university life. She was spectacularly unattractive and had bad acne and terribly dry lips. She lumbered into [my place of employment] in her Greek-letter sweats and asked for help. I started reading her paper and immediately hated her. Not only because she sucked as a writer, but because she had a terrible oral fixation. It wasn't one of those unnoticeable oral fixations whereby someone chews absentmindedly on a pen. It wasn't even one of those rare hot oral fixations where you can just picture yourself as the object of that person's attention. It was one of those oral fixations where it looked as if the girl was a cow licking a salt block. I don't think she could have been more disgusting had the pen been dipped in pizza grease and a pig's snout been affixed to her face. Seriously, this bitch slathered away at that pen as if the greasy residue from her pimple-fingers were some kind of mythic ambrosia. It was nauseating, to say the least. When I started to tell her what was wrong with her paper (mostly, it was the fact that she just copied large chunks of material directly from the book and added nothing of her own analysis. Not that I expected her to have any original thoughts about the material, it just would have been nice if the grammatically correct sentences been written by her instead of Mary Shelley), I quickly discovered another facet of her nauseating existence: her voice. No matter what I said, she responded to it with "yeah." This alone is not so bad, but the way she said it was disgusting. Have you ever seen a bukkake film? You know, the kind where some bitch is taking it in the ass and then about fourteen different guys cum all over her face? Well, she sounded like those girls sound. For those of you less pornographically-inclined, it's a whiny, "I'm a stupid whore" sound that increases in pitch as it goes on, thereby sounding like a question. I honestly think I could have looked her in the face and said "Would it be all right if I bash a mushroom tattoo into your face with my cock?" and she would have responded with that insufferable "Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh?" God. I couldn't wait for her to drag her pimple-ridden, pus-spewing, slack-jawed cottage cheese ass out of here.

I really love my job. Really."

This post was probably the worst thing I've ever written, although I must say that my language was exceptionally descriptive; all told, I have rather mixed feelings about this post. Yeah, it was mean, but godDAMN did the anger get through. Anyways, I think you can all understand why I was fired now.

Well, I suppose I should wrap this bullshit up. It's been a great school year, gang. I wish the Class of Aught Five the best in everything they do. Unless it's the eighth grade class of aught five, in which case I hope you fucking die and lecherous old men rape your ears while maggots dance the mamba in your sphincter. I look forward to more escapades in the world of Online Bullshit with all of you.

Si valestis, valeo.

P.S., If anyone knows of any way for me to write for money, the information would be appreciated. Otherwise, just tell your friends about this seems to spread well through word-of-mouth. And bring me a drink.

EDIT FROM LATER:I forgot to mention that this blog also made it on I was really proud to see a picture of myself flipping off the world posted on a site where grade school children probably go to research their papers on the Constitution. Here's the link.
Click this shit!

1 Bullshit Responses:

Blogger 'Thought & Humor' left the following bullshit...

We work like a horse.
We eat like a pig.
We like to play chicken.
You can get someone's goat.
We can be as slippery as a snake.
We get dog tired.
We can be as quiet as a mouse.
We can be as quick as a cat.
Some of us are as strong as an ox.
People try to buffalo others.
Some are as ugly as a toad.
We can be as gentle as a lamb.
Sometimes we are as happy as a lark.
Some of us drink like a fish.
We can be as proud as a peacock.
A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla.
You can get a frog in your throat.
We can be a lone wolf.
But I'm having a whale of a time!

You have a riveting web log
and undoubtedly must have
atypical & quiescent potential
for your intended readership.
May I suggest that you do
everything in your power to
honor your encyclopedic/omniscient
Designer/Architect as well
as your revering audience.

Please remember to never
restrict anyone's opportunities
for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity
under heaven. A time to be
born and a time to die. A
time to plant and a time to
harvest. A time to kill and
a time to heal. A time to
tear down and a time to
rebuild. A time to cry and
a time to laugh. A time to
grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones
and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a
time to turn away. A time to
search and a time to lose. A
time to keep and a time to
throw away. A time to tear
and a time to mend. A time
to be quiet and a time to
speak up. A time to love
and a time to hate. A time
for war and a time for peace.

Best wishes for continued ascendancy,

P.S. One thing of which I am sure is
that the common culture of my youth
is gone for good. It was hollowed out
by the rise of ethnic "identity politics,"
then splintered beyond hope of repair
by the emergence of the web-based
technologies that so maximized and
facilitated cultural choice as to make
the broad-based offerings of the old
mass media look bland and unchallenging
by comparison."

'Thought & Humor' by Howdy
Cyber-Humor, Cyber-Thought
Cyber-Riddles for your divertissement!!!

7:05 PM  

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