Wednesday, May 18

Ten predictions for "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith"

(I am publishing this at 8:30 pm, three and a half hours before Star Wars: Episode III is going to be released. Read these predictions, go see the movie, and leave me a comment telling me how right I am.)

1.) This movie will suck.

2.) It will not be worth the wait outside in the rain (it's going to rain by me, and I hope it rains on everyone else who's waiting outside to see this piece of shit).

3.) While waiting in line for tickets, someone will mention Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at least 30 times per minute, fervently expressing their desire for him to talk to them so they can explain to him how wrong he really is - no one will care.

4.) You will sit in between two fat guys, one of whom will be dressed as a Storm Trooper and one dressed as Dax, and they will continually glower at each other. They will also smell like gouda cheese.

5.) The movie will be interrupted at least 50 times by Star Wars geeks arguing over minutiae and various discrecpancies between the movie and the books.

6.) The movie will be interrupted at least 50 more times by Star Wars geeks explaining to their "dates" (by "dates" I mean "homely sisters who have nothing better to do") why a particular bit of useless trivia matters.

7.) George Lucas will let everyone down.

8.) At least three people, dressed as either Jedis or Rebel pilots, will point out that "Sith" is just an anagram for "shit", which will piss off the guy dressed as a Storm Trooper and cause him to glower invisibly from his helmet.

9.) While walking out of the theater, you will hear the phrases "There were some good fight scenes" and "The special effects were good" so many times that you might actually believe that Haydn Christensen's complete lack of talent and the waste of Ewan McGregor's and Natalie Portman's time, not to mention your own waste of ten dollars and about three hours of your life, was somehow justified.

10.) The movie will be visually enjoyable, but will otherwise be a huge stinking pile of Bantha shit.

You will probably be more affected by the people in the theater with you than by the movie itself. Try to enjoy yourself and ignore the greasy fourteen-year-olds having a lame-ass lightsaber duel in the corner of the movie....just kidding, don't enjoy yourself. I hope you die for giving your hard-earned money to George Lucas, you fucking tool. Now make like R2D2 on Jabba the Hutt's pleasure cruiser in Return of the Jedi and bring me a goddam drink.
Click this shit!

2 Bullshit Responses:

Blogger kris left the following bullshit...

you went and saw it didnt you? :P

9:42 AM  
Blogger Machine left the following bullshit...

Goddammit you're psychic!

I dub thee "Prophet of Shitty Movie Reviews".

I really hate those fucking Wookies too.

12:04 AM  

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