Friday, May 13

The Angry Drunken Irishman Fashion Memo

To: College Girls
Re: "Themed" Parties

To whom it may concern,
There has been some confusion lately as to the proper dress one should adopt when attending a "themed" party hosted by a fraternity at an institute of higher learning. In order to clear up any discrepancies which may still remain, the following compendium is being distributed by the author of this web site.
When attending a fraternal gathering, one must always have a "default" outfit which can be worn to any given party. This should call attention to the wearer by revealing the greatest amount of sking possible to be seen while at the same time covering the "Big Three" (i.e., breasts and frontal crotch region...the ass is negotiable). These outfits can be purchased at stores in the mall, and it's easy to purchase them. Simply look for the clothing store with the least amount of decoration on the walls. A white-washed room would be the ideal place to shop for "fashionable" clothing.
Next, pick up the skimpiest item of clothing from the rack. It should also be the most expensive item. Try it on. If you think it's too small, go a size smaller. Go ahead, get it smaller! Then shrink it in the wash. Even if you're a girl bordering on being overweight, get a smaller size; trust me, there's nothing sexier than seeing a girl's love handles stick out three feet from her body, wedged in between her tight shirt and her sausage-skin "lo-rise" jeans. If your love handles don't make you look like a giant walking lower-case "t", then you need smaller clothes. Simple as that.
Once you've purchased the "default" outfit, it's time to move on to the next step. Most fraternities usually feel the need to justify their wanton drunken shenanigans, so they'll do things like create drinking games, make up a fake philanthropy event, or create a "theme" party. I've compiled a list of some of the more prominent theme parties and the corresponding attire one should adopt when in attendance:
"Tropical" Parties - These parties will have names like "Fiji Island," "Kummoniwannalaya", and "Jamaican Me Crazy", among others. The less creative frats will name it something like "Beach Party" or "Hawaiian Drinking Party" or "Me Sand You Good Beer Yum", if you're attending a frat whose membership is primarily football players.
There are two ways to dress for a party like this. You can either wear your "default" outfit, put a cheap strand of plastic flowers around your neck and act like you're having a good time being the wallflower in the corner that nobody's talking to
OR
you can be a real trooper, put on your bathing suit regardless of the weather (one-piece suits are better...if your suit is a two-piece, simply don't wear one of the pieces), and march across campus to drink exotic drinks like, well, like the same old drinks that these frats always have: cheap beer. Initially, there will be someone with a blender mixing drinks like "Slippery Nipples" and "Sex on the Beach", but they will get bored serving drinks thirty minutes into the party and they'll wander off to join the rest of the crowd, leaving the bar wide open for people like me to swoop in and drink the shitty Aristocrat vodka straight out of the bottle. So you're better off just showing up expecting to drink cheap beer.
Decade Parties - These parties can be the most difficult to dress for. Depending on the decade, the ensemble will change. My suggestions are as follows:
90s party - Doesn't exist...if someone invites you to a nineties party, you have been transported thirty years into the future.
80s party - Wear lingerie, put your hair in a side ponytail, and wear sweat bands around your wrists and ankles.
70s party - Wear lingerie and an afro wig. If you don't have an afro wig, then wear bell-bottom lingerie. If you don't have that, then wear lingerie and aviator sunglasses. If your lame ass doesn't have any of these things, then wear the default outfit, go to the party and pretend like you're drunk while making out with your roommate and jerking off some guy. No one will care that you didn't dress according to theme.
60s party - Wear tie-dye lingerie. If you do't have tie-dye lingerie, then just wear lingerie and a giant peace symbol.
50s party - Lame. No one ever does the fifties. If someone did, though, here's what you should do. Wear something that would make June Cleaver proud, like a housedress and an apron. Then take it off after two beers.
40s party - Show up dressed like Rosie the Riveter. Leave shortly thereafter, since beer will be rationed and the Asian kids are going to be in for an unpleasant surprise towards the middle of the party. These parties wouldn't be too fun...if they existed.
30s party - Wear a cardboard box. Ask if anyone knows wear to get a job and walk around telling people you're from "Hooverville".
20s party - Flapper
Ok, I've dragged this joke on a bit too far....let's continue.
Freaks 'n' Geeks party - Wear lingerie and a pair of big, thick glasses.
Heaven 'n' Hell Party - This is usually the party where the upstairs is "Heaven" and the downstairs is "Hell" and tee-hee-hee it's such a good idea tra la la la la. Yeah, well, it doesn't make it any easier to dress for, now does it? My suggestion: Lingerie with plastic horns on your head and shitty angel wings on your back. If anyone calls you out on being a metaphysical mulatto, make out with your roommate. They'll leave you alone.
Pimps 'n' hos - Wear lingerie, then put on a lot more makeup than you usually do. Makeup is the key here - we're not talking about Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz makeup. I'm talking about shit that you'll have to scrape off of your face with a paintscraper the next morning because it's on there so damn thick. Also, you should wear fishnet stockings. Ripped ones. Try to make your mom proud.
Toga - Wear a toga. Nothing underneath.
Any Vocational Themed Party, Such As "Golf Pros, Tennis Hos" or "Pilot Pimps and Stewardess Hos" or "Businessmen and Secretaries" - These parties are usually very degrading towards women, so here's what you should do for these: pick out an outfit you would normally wear to class. Wear half of it.

My personal favorite, out of all of the themed parties I've ever been to, has been the Anything but Clothes parties, hosted by my awesome friends. I think that title is self-explanatory. If you need examples, here are a few: I wore a garbage bag, one girl wore two bandages over her nipples and an Ace bandage wrapped around her cooch, and another wore electrical tape. It was a good time.

If you have any further questions, please feel free to reply to this post. And bring me a drink.
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