Friday, April 22

What I learned in high school

(For some reason I really started missing my high school buddies, Wopper, Dave, G.I. Jack, St. Patrick S. Grant, Keefers and Buffalo...guys, this list is dedicated to you)

- You can be sitting in the principal's office in the afternoon being interrogated about a broken window and you can sit at the head table at an honors banquet for the school with the same principal lauding your "academic achievements" and everyone will pretend to ignore the inherent hypocrisy

- It's only after the district attorney puts out a bounty for you that you learn who your real friends are

- Never trust the son of a cop, even if he was participating in the same vandalizing activities you were

- Fire extinguishers are easy to steal

- Everything is easy to steal

- You can spend your entire high school career vandalizing your school and performing other criminal activities and the only time you'll catch shit for anything is when you legitimately weren't involved in the action

- Grilled cheese and tomato soup is a culinary delight compared to the other shit they serve

- Teachers can only ignore the bouncy balls you're throwing around the room for so long...after a while, they tend to get pissed

- Breaking glass is a sound which at the same time fills the heart with fear and arousal

- Stealing the master key to all the locks on the school lockers is the best idea in the world

- If you're the class valedictorian and the president of your school's chapter of the National Honor Society and the Drama Club and you sit on Student Council, people will ignore the occasional pornographic background you put on the school computers

- A school computer can hold an amazing amount of loose change in its floppy drive

- You'll have to steal approximately 23 of the mouse balls in the school computers for the IT guys to finally take notice and do nothing about it

- If you draw a picture of your school's principal being fed into a wood chipper by your school's mascot and a teacher finds said picture...they might just laugh

- Throwing basketballs as hard as you can at underclassmen during lunch will result in everyone not being able to use said basketballs

- Having a contest to see how many people you can hang from the rim of the junior high basketball courts is a good way to get you and your friends banned from the gym permanently

- Working at the school as a janitor over the summer has the delicious irony of getting paid by the state to clean up a mess that you originally caused...it's also a good way to steal tons of shit from the school

- If you're interesting and intelligent in class, teachers will usually be on your side when shit goes down

- If your Journalism teacher doesn't know shit about Pagemaker and you do, you've got a cushy job for the rest of the semester

- Being class valedictorian and being friends with an Eagle Scout, an FFA National Award Winner, and a future Marine and various other geniuses (none of whom scored below a 27 on the ACT) makes it that much funnier when all of you wear your caps and gowns and piss on the floor and sink and trashcan and every other imaginable surface in the bathroom right before your graduation ceremony

- Dating a 21 year old is a good way to get booze

- Not drinking in high school is a good way to completely nullify the fact that you're dating a 21 year old

- Committing acts of vandalism and being constantly on the run from various authorities is a good way to pass the time and to build group solidarity

- Despite all the Hallmark cliches, sometimes friends really are forever, and the people you commit crimes with now will be the people with whom you'll drink and laugh about your crimes later

- Teachers are people too, and a majority of them don't give a shit

- Throwing a tray full of food in the lunchroom might just be the highlight of your day

- If you're one of the smart kids and you claim that you have to go speak to someone in the office, your teacher will believe you and you'll be free to walk the halls for an indefinite amount of time

- If you're a minor, take advantage of it, because once you're 18 you go to big people's court

- Bringing a banana clip for an M16 for a show and tell project is going to get you in trouble (thanks for that particular memory, Buffalo)

- Prom doesn't mean shit

- Neither does Homecoming

- Yearbooks don't mean shit

- The only thing that matters are the memories you have of running through cornfields with your buddies to elude angry parents

- The fact that you took some letters off of a sign in front of a video rental store so that it read "Cock Toppers" instead of "Clockstoppers" will be a more treasured memory than any homecoming or prom you can go to...it's also cheaper

- High school is fleeting, and you don't like these people anyway...don't waste time trying to convince yourself that they matter. The people that matter will be there regardless of what happens

- Having your first beers with your high school buddies while camping out by a pond on a perfect summer night will be one of the best memories of your life

- The fact that you drank because you were dating a crazy bitch who made you want a drink more than anything else at that particular moment will not

- If you spend the entire year filling an empty locker with the most disgusting garbage imaginable, you will get yelled at when a faculty member finds it

- But you still won't get in trouble

- Being voted Most Likely to Succeed by your classmates makes you feel like a huge tool and a failure when the best thing you produce with your life is some shitty blog


WHS Class of '02 . . . Fondly referred to by the faculty as the Worst Class Ever
Click this shit!

4 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

What I learned in high school... "everything is easy to steal" - unless it's a booster seat from the Wendy's on Main Street. Whoops...

9:37 AM  
Blogger The Angry Drunken Irishman left the following bullshit...

Yeah... that can be a little hairy. Maybe your approach was off a little. Nevertheless, good effort. The world needs enterprising people like you.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Machine left the following bullshit...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:14 AM  
Blogger Machine left the following bullshit...

Working at the school as a janitor over the summer has the delicious irony of getting paid by the state to clean up a mess that you originally caused...it's also a good way to steal tons of shit from the school

Okay. My last comment sucked. I didn't read yours entirely through, so I need to learn to pay attention more!

It's also a good way to sabotage all the Beautiful People's shit when they're not looking.

12:17 AM  

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