Friday, April 1

Hey! That's funny because I saw that same thing too!!!

For once I wish someone would make an original joke instead of spewing some vapid verbal pustule that they heard on "Friends". Oh wait! That joke was on TV?!?! Awesome! You're so cool because you remembered it!!!
Why can't people be original? I'm tired of eating with a group of friends and listening to fifteen minutes of backstory so that some idiot can explain his inane quip that really has no bearing on the current conversation whatsoever. It typically goes something like this:
Me - "I killed a sheep today."
Them - "Oh, that reminds me of this one episode of 'Will and Grace', like, it was this one where Jack had started dating this new guy and it turned out that the guy was cheating on him with a chick and so...wait, maybe it was another one. Oh, that's right, it was Grace who was dating that guy, 'cuz the one where Jack was dating that guy was the one where..."
Me - *Punch*
If you're so stupid that the only humorous allusion you can make is to shitty pop culture, then go kill yourself right now. Be original, or at the very least, make some reference to something that takes a little bit of thought. If you want to be funny, don't allude to a humorous situation that you saw somewhere else in the hopes that the hilarity will somehow transfer over to your current conversation. Do it through shock value. For example, if your mom is asking you about how college life is going, tell her you're gay. If you're already gay, tell her you have AIDS. This will provide lots of humor (although after a week or two you should probably tell her you were joking).
If you want to be funny without resorting to shock value, then make a reference to something multicultural or academic. Here's an Angry Drunken Irishman original:
"If I could meet Chopin today, I'd shake his hand and say 'Domo arigato, Mr. Rubato'."
That's funny. It's funny because Chopin employed the idea of rubato in a lot of his sonatas, and it's also a reference to a Styx song, and we all know that Styx is the greatest band ever after Black Sabbath and the Rolling Stones. If you don't know why that's funny, then kill yourself or go read a book, you uncultured son of a bitch.
Stop quoting pop culture. Stop repeating shit you said that was funny once but really isn't in any other context. Be original.
You might be asking yourself now, "Wait, how will I still be funny without doing this? Will I ever get a chance to speak up and make people laugh?" No, you won't. And you don't deserve to. Now sit in the corner, shut the fuck up, and bring me a drink.
Click this shit!

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