Saturday, April 23

Funerals and Memorial Services = Too Little, Too Late

Today I was part of a memorial service that robbed me of five and a half hours of my life. I didn't know the guy, and I listened to a lot of people talk about him. During this whole time, I couldn't help but think how stupid this all was. Now, I'm not trying to be a faggy goth "look at me I'm not afraid of death" emo bitch by saying that (the day I paint my nails black and call myself Raven Nightbroom is the day that I renounce drinking and smoking and promiscuity as terrible vices and encourage everyone else not to engage in them). I'm trying to bring up a point and maybe even deliver a moral to my readers, assuming my drunk ass doesn't fuck up the message. I've been part of more funeral services than I care to count, and throughout every one of the funeral services or memorial services I've thought the same thing: isn't it a little bit late to be saying all these nice things about the person? I know that I'm writing about a touchy subject here, but hear me out.
Funerals aren't really about the dead person. If they were, then they wouldn't exist. People would just throw the bodies into the ground or burn them and the entire mortuary industry would soon be as pointless as a gay pride parade in ancient Greece. Funerals are for the living. Funerals are designed to help the surviving members of the family deal with the loss of their loved one and to face their own mortality. That's fine. But why wait until the person's dead to say all these nice things about them? Wouldn't it make more sense to tell the person the things you enjoy about them while they're alive and save the backstabbing horseshit for their funeral?
At my funeral, I don't want anyone to say any kind words about me. That'll be pointless. If anything, I want my words to be read before my family and friends while they're all gathered in one place. I think what I'd like to do is record all of my drinking stories and sexual exploits and put them in a notebook in a safety deposit box somewhere. Then I'll have my kid or wife or whomever read them aloud to the people gathered at my wake in lieu of a eulogy. Then they can hear every minute detail of my sex life while wearing their best clothes and staring at my dead body. That would be the shit.
Either that or I want a roast-style eulogy. I want everyone who has any bullshit beef with me to come up and say it to my face. You know, while I'm dead in the coffin. That way they'll be able to tell me off in a manner that I deserve, and I'll be dead so I'll have an excuse for not giving a shit about their opinions (it seems that when you're alive and people come to you with a problem they have with you that you're supposed to humor them and make an effort to fix it - how bothersome). I also want people to be laughing at my funeral, because I know that I'll be laughing at them from wherever I am. Maybe I'll also have a stipulation in my will that requires that a recording of me screaming "I'm not dead!" be put in my coffin and played at random intervals while they're lowering me into the ground. That would also be the shit.
I don't mean to make light of a grave situation, but....hold on, I was laughing too hard over that pun. "Grave situation"...get it? Anyway, as I was saying, I don't mean to make light of someone's loss, but funerals and memorial services are retarded. All that happens is that the family and friends and other hangers-on sit around and think to themselves, "Gee, I was such an asshole when they were alive. Why didn't I tell them that I loved them more?" I know that's what I was thinking at my grandfather's funeral. I loved him very much, and I regret not telling him how much he meant to me. I even wish today that I could tell him what an impact he's had on my life.
I know! Maybe when I'm dead I'll stipulate in my will that some pews in the church have whoopee cushions on them! Although, given the way I conduct my life, I'm not so sure a church would even let me in post mortem.
Ok, it appears I got off track again...what was I saying? Oh yeah. Saying nice things at a funeral is pointless. All it does is give the speaker a platform to bring attention to himself or herself while also giving them the opportunity to make everyone else feel worse for being such a dickhead to the deceased while the deceased was alive. At my funeral, I want a keg. And I want people to sprinkle me with libations from the keg. And I want everyone to be happy, either because they're finally rid of me or because they have free booze or because they got the chance to get to know such a kick-ass guy like me or all three. Either way, it will be a joyous day on earth when I'm cold and dead and in the ground.
So take a lesson from this rather disjunct rant of mine. Go tell someone you love them before they die. If someone does something that you think is cool, tell them. Don't wait until they're in a box to tell anecdotes about their life to other people. If someone does something you appreciate, tell them. That's what I do, and that's what you should do too, you assholes.
Also, it would be really cool if I could have a spring put under me in the coffin so that my body would pop up at random times. Sorry, got off track again.
Anyways, tell someone you love them, or tell them you hate them, while they're still alive. Regardless of how you feel, you should let them know before they die because it's fucking pointless to say anything at a funeral. The person's dead.

So hurry up and tell me how much you love me or hate me before I die. And bring me a drink.
Click this shit!

4 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Why would you go to a memorial service of someone you didn't know?

1:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

love you...don't die

8:39 AM  
Blogger Sexy Karen left the following bullshit...

i hate you and will laugh at your funeral. A keg? I'm so there.

btw..good point. Funerals are not only awful and boring, they are pointless. I'm not being sarcastic in saying that I think your idea is a lot better and a lot less self serving. Celebrating someone's life is not only more respectful, its also more theraputic. I still hate you though.

4:39 PM  
Blogger The Angry Drunken Irishman left the following bullshit...

In retrospect, I really should have mentioned the fact that I was forced to go to this service and perform by my choir director. That would have made it seem like I had a legitimate reason to bitch instead of just being some masochist splooger. Thanks, anon.

5:30 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home