Sunday, April 10

Cracking the Bar Code

One of the quickest and most efficient ways by which to judge a person (besides their clothing, hairdo, and skin color) is by the sort of drinking in which they engage. A lot can be told from a person by what's inside their glass. Here's a quick rundown of alcoholic beverages and their corresponding personality types:
Wine = Trashy pretentious assbags: I know, I know. Wine is cool. Wine is what good people drink. Wine is for rich Italian guys who smoke fat ass cigars and wear silk and have thin little moustaches. But 90% of all people you will encounter who drink wine are nothing but gutterbums in the making. My favorite is people who act like Boone's Farm is something other than gasoline with Kool-Aid packets mixed in; they'll pour it into $2 wine glasses they got from WalMart, take a sip and smack their lips before finally nodding their assent, as if the wine meets their oh-so-sophisticated palates. Wake up, dipshit - you'd be better off mixing rat poison in your morning coffee. When the fuck will you get it through your head that the fact that a wine comes from Australia does't make it exotic at all? When will you stop buying $7 jugs of Carlo Rossi and acting like the silent consonant at the end of the wine's name (cf., merlot, chablis, cabernet) automatically transforms the entire jug to something fit for the aristocracy? I don't claim to be a wine connoiseur at all, but I know what good wine tastes like. An inherited allergic reaction to sulfites (the preservative they put in shitty wine) tips me off to inherent flaws in the wine. Fuck you, wine drinkers. You suck. Go polish your emo glasses and pretend like you understand James Joyce.
Alcohol mixed with caffeine = Hardcore folks: Do not mess with these people. People who drink Irish coffee, people who drink Red Bull and vodka, or people who drink any other combination of caffeine and alcohol are not to be trifled with. They will be up all night, and they will be loud. They will be hollering at your sorry ass when you're passed out under the table in order to wake your shitty self up to do shots with them. Then they'll go puke on a cop car. After that, they'll probably break a table over their head or something. Don't plan on hanging out with people like this unless you're ready to either keep up with them or babysit, because Lord knows they're not going to bed anytime soon.
People who drink Malibu, Cabana Boy, or any other sort of flavored rum = Spoiled rich fuckers: People who drink this sort of shit should not be associated with. Seriously. They need to be isolated in a room with each other so they can bitch about how that stupid Mexican maid brought them a margarita with too much salt on the rim. People who drink this shit will talk to each other about the following topics: 1) Whichever diet is currently in vogue, 2) How rough they had it in high school and how they can totally relate to any of the proletariat class who may be listening to their conversation 3) The stock market 4) High school football 5) Any combination of the preceding. These people suck - they'll usually have three drinks over a six hour period, bellow about how drunk they are, and then kill the first person that spills water on their Abercrombie clothing.
People who drink beer in cans = white trash: Don't hang out with these people unless you want to spend the night talking about Nascar and tractor pulls. I'm not going to say I've never drank a beer out of a can; however, I have the presence of mind to pour it into a cup whenever possible. Look out, trailer park, we's a-gonna have ourselves a hootinanny! Fuck these white trash bitches.
Shots of hard alcohol = People who will be puking and passed out fifteen minutes after they arrive: Look out for these people, too. They'll usually start out strong, but won't have the stomach to keep the night alive for very long. You'll usually be able to fuck them within about twenty minutes of meeting them.

Yeah, yeah, so I ripped into some people. You might ask yourself, what sort of alcohol does Austin drink? I drink whatever's there, bitches. I am a multi-cultural, well-balanced person. I give everything a chance, especially if it's free. I can usually be found with a bottle in my hand, because pouring the alcohol into a shot glass just takes too fucking long. An example: choir party last year. I show up with a half-full bottle of Jose Cuervo and a bottle of Country Time Lemonade (in my opinion, the best of the Jose chasers). After a couple of hours, I realized that not only had I accidentally done a Power Hour with Keyston Light (not a good idea under any circumstances), but my bottle of Jose was empty and I was the only person who had been drinking from it. Luckily, I had my slingshot with me and was able to stumble around irreputable parts of town causing criminal damage before passing out in a bathroom. At least, that's what I remember. A lot of people had to fill me in on the blank areas in my memory.
Another example of my drinking technique: I showed up to a party, drank a bunch of Keystone, then drank a Bloody Mary my friend made for me that was apparently half vodka and half Worcestershire sauce with a dash of tomato juice on top. After that, I drank the remaining 2" of a bottle of gin. Why? Because it was there. Honestly, there's no method to my drinking. I just drink what's there. I'm an equal-opportunity drinker.

And that's how I got to be the great person I am today.

(On a side note, I also don't discriminate against drinking on any particular day, which would explain why I feel like shit as I edit this post at 10:30 on a Monday morning. Maybe some hair of the dog will fix me up...)
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1 Bullshit Responses:

Blogger bulb left the following bullshit...

I drink beer out of a can. I pretty much drink anything regardless the container it comes in.

7:45 AM  

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