Sunday, April 17

The Angry Drunken Irishman Book Review

The Bible
Author: God
Holy Land: Qumran Publishing
Publication date: 363, 2nd edition: 397, 3rd edition: 419
approx. 150-5000 pages depending on edition

Initially a good read. Good start, wonderful premise. A tri-omni being, "God", creates a perfect world, and like always, a woman fucks it up. Then the remainder of the first section is pure pornography. Porn normally doesn't bug me, but this was all about homosexual sex and incest and homosexual incest, then some rape and some more rape, then there was this one thing about angels wanting the daughters of men, which I'm not sure constitutes interspecies sex but it's pretty damn close. Needless to say, I thought it was a little graphic. The main character, God, kills a guy for not impregnating his dead brother's wife and for shooting his swimmers on the ground. I thought that was a little harsh, and I felt kinda guilty because of the amount of swimmers I'ver shot on the ground. And into socks. And Kleenex. And warmed up musk melons. Then there was a part about slicing baby wieners in order to be in God's club or some shit. All in all, I found this first section particularly disturbing. Especially the part about chopping baby wieners.
Then there's another section about slavery and redemption or some shit. More wiener-chopping goes on, there's a part where one dude rubs another dude's foreskin on some guy's forehead. I wasn't too sure what that was about, but it seemed kinda gross to me.
After this, the next few sections are all about what not to do. No eating shellfish, no eating pork, no eating llamas, no sex with animals, no sex with bleeding vaginas, no homosexual sex, blah blah blah. I kinda skimmed this part. After that there was a bunch of shit about people killing other people by driving tent pegs into their heads and then a witch shows up for some reason and there's a pretty good action sequence where a dude ties the tails of a hundred foxes together and then attaches torches to their tails and burns the fuck out of some other guy's wheat field because he won't let him bang his daughter. When they try and tie his ass to a temple, he pulls that shit down. Then there's a bunch of bitching about some lady named "Israel" and how she's forsaken the main character, God, and how people like this guy Hosea have to marry prostitutes to know how God feels and how they should commit genocide so God doesn't have to have any competition. Kinda interesting, but I mostly skimmed.
After this whole first chunk there's a second "New" chunk with more of the same...women are still evil, no butt sex between two dudes, we should feel guilty for being born, etc. God's kid, "Jesus", shows up and starts talking all this shit about how he's gonna bring about the end of the world, but it doesn't really happen. Some dudes kill him, he comes back from the dead and apparently he's had enough of being around here trying to usher in the apocalypse, because he scoots off to heaven shortly thereafter. Now all these people are in charge of bringing about the end of the world in Jesus' absence (I wasn't too clear on this point, but I think that's what they were trying to do), and this one guy, "Paul", travels around starting shit with everyone. All he accomplishes is getting everyone to hate him. He writes about Jesus a lot, tells everyone that they're wrong, and emulates Jesus as some sort of Christ figure. Paul's adamant misogynistic campaign against marriage and his consistent emulation of Jesus makes me wonder if he's not trying to come out of the prayer closet, if you know what I mean. Kinda suspicious. He writes some stuff about women being evil and dudes not having butt sex (a textbook case of self-loathing), then he mysteriously disappears. Probably because he was such a jackass to everyone. After Paul leaves, we talk to some of the more minor characters, but they're largely unimportant.
At the end of this book, it gets really trippy, kind of like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Everything goes apeshit. A lady rides a dragon and there's all these crazy animals with like seventy seven heads and they breathe fire and kill each other, and Jesus shows up again but this time he's got super kick-ass powers like a sword for a tongue and woolly hair (this may be an indication that he's a black dude, but the book wasn't really clear on this point). Jesus beats the shit out of the dragon dude and this Babylonian Whore chick that rides around seducing dudes and killing them. After this, everyone lives happily ever after.

All in all, this book was a little intense. I know everyone wants young kids to read it, but I'd suggest saving it for your son or daughter until they're in college, or at least high school. Also, some parts just plain didn't make sense. For example, section "Matthew" has a genealogy for Jesus, but then section "Luke" has a different genealogy for Jesus. Which is it? Jesus, you'd think an omniscient author like God would notice an aggregious error like that. And who the hell cares about Joseph's genealogy anyway, according to this book he's just knockin' boots with Mary after her Baby's Daddy runs off and leaves her (possibly more support that Jesus came from a black background). Supposedly there's this supplementary prequel to this book which explains that little snag, but I'm not sure I care enough to read it. Also in that supplement we get to read about Jesus' childhood, and I guess he kills people for running into him and brings dirt birds to life. Sounds like a good read. Maybe I'll pick it up. Beh.
The writing style was also confusing. What the hell is this book? Is it poetry, is it first person narrative, third person, what? It was like reading Ulysses. However, I think it was particularly confusing because the author sought to cover the span of several thousand years, instead of just one day like James Joyce did. This God character should take a lesson from Joyce when he's writing his memoirs - don't bite off more than you can chew, and when you're writing about yourself it's ok to take out the shit that makes you look like a really bad know, the whole ordering genocides and infanticide and the killing first borns and the plagues and shit.
Moral of the story? The Bible sucks, and James Joyce is a better writer than God.
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