Tuesday, March 29

Portraits in Manliness: Marlon Brando

I just got done watching "A Streetcar Named Desire", and I felt the need to praise one of cinema's greatest heroes: Marlon Brando. For those of you uncultured heathen who may not have seen this movie, Brando's character of Stanley Kowalski is completely and utterly the shit. Consider the following examples: 1)Brando gets drunk at a poker game, starts beating his wife and then passes out. When his poker buddies throw him in the shower to wake him up, he throws them out of the room and runs out into the street screaming and shirtless. 2) When Brando's wife, Stella DuBois, asks him to help clear the table, he throws his glass against the wall, then his plate and fork. He stares at his wife, then says "There, my place is cleared. Now you want me to help you clear yours?" 3) For her birthday, Brando gives his poverty-stricken sister-in-law, Blanche, a bus ticket to go back to the town from which she was running away. This drives her into hysterics, and she drinks herself stupid. 4) When he returns to his house to find Blanche playing dress-up and babbling to herself, he throws her onto the bed, calls her a stupid slut, and laughs in her face. When she tries to twist a broken bottle in his face, he rapes her. After this, she goes bat-shit insane.

Let's look at some other examples of Brando manliness: In "The Godfather", he bitches out a nancy-boy who comes to him for help with a movie career. After this, he arranges to have a film director wake up next to the head of his favorite horse. He gets shot and lives. He just plain kicks ass.
In "The Island of Dr. Moreau," he turns animals into people. Enough said.
In "Guys and Dolls", as Sky Masterson, he gambles everything he has in order to seduce this unwitting Salvation Army chick.
In "Julius Caesar", he convinces a mob of angry Romans to kill the people who betrayed his friend.
"Apocalypse Now": crazy colonel who sets up his own utopian society in Vietnam.
Long story short, Marlon Brando kicks ass. We should all try to follow his example. Watching "Streetcar Named Desire" made me want to get drunk and beat women even more than I usually do, and that's certainly a laudatory feat.
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4 Bullshit Responses:

Blogger Sexy Karen left the following bullshit...

Austin, you do know that Marlon Brando was playing FICTIONAL characters. It wasn't really Marlon. It wasn't really Marlon's life. Marlon, who was bi-curious, died morbidly obese and disgraced.

5:59 PM  
Blogger The Angry Drunken Irishman left the following bullshit...

Don't you DARE badmouth Marlon Brando. I know Marlon Brando was playing fake characters. He still kicked ass. And all the really manly men, like Alexander the Great and all of the Caesars, were either bi-curious or had sex with other men. It takes a real man to fuck another dude's butt, because sometimes conquering a vag just isn't manly enough.

7:28 PM  
Blogger Sexy Karen left the following bullshit...

First off, let me just say I am Marlon Brando's biggest fan. I love him. I'm just saying that he is definitely not as mighty as the characters he played.

So you're saying that you are a real man, and therefore fuck another dude's butt, or that you aren't a real man.

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

I think 'sexy Karen' and 'angry drunken irishman' need to get together and thrash there problems out sexually as for marlon weather he ended up a fatso and disgraced and weather he was bi-sexual i dont give a damn the guy was sexy and gorgeous and i am one of his die hard fans

2:45 PM  

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