Wednesday, March 23

NEWS FLASH

I'm taking time away from my work comparing Weberian sociological models to American NeoPaganism and my research on comparing said NeoPaganism to the idea of sociology on the Internet and the models for an online religious community in order to bring you this important update: I would fuck Anna Nicole.
I know, I know, you're thinking to yourself "What the fuck is this guy's problem? She's a fucking narwhal without the benefit of having a fun seat on her head." Yeah, well, fuck you. I'd still do her. I'd fuck her, and I'd do it for all the wrong reasons, too. I'd do it because she's rich, because she's famous, and because she was a Playboy Playmate. Let me repeat this again so there's no confusion: I would fucking tap that Jell-O vat.
I wouldn't be nice about it. Oh, shit no. I'd make it clear that I had no interest in her vapid conversation or even in her as a person. I would openly hit on other women in front of her if we were ever seen in public. I would use her fame in order to advance my own selfish ends. But I'd still fuck her.
It'd be crazy, too. And selfish. If she didn't do what I wanted, I'd be like, "Fuck you, bitch, I'm gonna go get another millionaire former Playboy model with her own TV show. I don't need you!" Well, ok, maybe I'd compromise to her a little. But not in front of the guys. Oh, no, never in front of the guys.
What am I trying to say? I guess I'm sick of all these stupid bitches whining about Anna having her own TV show. Look, the fact is, she fucked an old rich dude when no one else was willing to, and as a result of that she's living the life you'll never have. She's on TV and you're not, so shut the fuck up. Just because you can't eat all you want, get disgustingly huge, and then buy some miracle drug to make you thin again, don't take your angst out on Anna. Go throw up your lunch in the bathroom and spend hours in the gym like a middle-class American girl should. Then maybe you can look good enough to be the housewife of the captain of the football team and hope he doesn't come home from work drunk with lipstick on his collar and beat your ass because you questioned his fidelity. If you're not willing to take it the extra mile and suck some old millionaire's cock, then you don't deserve shit.
I think that we should all applaud Anna Nicole. She did what needed to be done, and we should stop hating her because she has bigger balls than we do. We should praise her. Me personally, I would fuck her.

P.S. I really hope that someone doing a Google search for the shit I mentioned in the first sentence gets taken to this page. That would make my day. I also hope it's a fourth-grader.
Click this shit!

3 Bullshit Responses:

Blogger Sexy Karen left the following bullshit...

absolutely fucking true. as a girl- i agree with everything you said. Except for one thing- i don't think she probably had sex or sucked anything. He was nintey. I would be surprised if he still had anything to fuck with or get sucked with.

But yeah, I have a sordid, fucked up, twisted respect for her also.

11:57 AM  
Blogger rachel left the following bullshit...

this is one of the funniest rants of yours i have ever read. thanks for providing some much-needed levity in a boring day!

--rachel

www.longvalleylane.blogspot.com

9:52 AM  
Blogger Le chameau insatiable left the following bullshit...

do you really think she fucked him ? I always thought it was a platonic romance based on a common passion for scrabble.

6:45 PM  

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