Friday, March 4

HOW TO WRITE LIKE ME

Not enough anger in your life? Want to be simultaneously the most hated and adored person at every party? Follow my instructions and soon you'll be on your way to Angry Drunken Stardom!!!
Step 1 Get really pissed. I suggest drinking as a way to kick things off, but whatever works for you is fine.
Step 2 Select a group of people. Broad groups of people are usually good. I also suggest thinking about a group of people that some people like and some people hate; that way you'll get a nice mixture of hatred and adoration from your readers. For example, think about English majors, because some people like them. Don't select Mexicans, because nobody likes them.
Step 3 Continue getting pissed.
Step 4 Mathematically rate your group of people. This may take some time, as there are many factors to weigh in. For example, the ability of said group of people to kick your ass is a major factor. The amount of popularity they enjoy and the ability of their friends to kick your ass is also a major factor. Again, I suggest selecting English majors, because they can't kick anyone's ass. I don't recommend writing about business majors, football players, frat guys, or cavemen, because they can kick your ass.
Step 4 (a) If you do decide to continue writing about someone who can kick your ass, you should probably have some huge friends. Either that or use big, foreign words like "troglodytic" and "sine quo non". Either that or make up words that will take them a while to sound out, like "clusterbuttfuckery."
Step 5 Continue getting pissed. By now you should have a good head of steam. I suggest taking a shot or two of whiskey.
Step 6 Start writing. Make sure you use the words "fag", "gay", "fuck", and "shit" a lot. That way people will think you are Tough Shit and will be less likely to contract a burly fellow to kick your ass.
Step 7 Revise. Check for grammatical and spelling errors, because if you have any in your writing I will make fun of you. Try and fit the word "fag" in a couple more times.

EXAMPLE: (unfinished draft) "I hate computer science majors. They sukc major dick. They are such fags. What the hell? computers arent evne sience!"


Note the grammatical errors and the solitary use of the word "fag". This simply will not do. I also suggest that you don't make fun of computer science majors, for a couple of reasons: 1) They are well connected as far as Tech Support goes, and your dumb ass will probably need their help sometime in the future. 2) A lot of them can kick your ass. After you drink and revise your draft and then drink some more, it should look like this

EXAMPLE: (finished draft) "What the fuck is up with these fucking feminists? They walk around with their gay fag posse of dickless guys and bitch about how unfair everything is. We should ship their gay asses over to Saudi Arabia and see how they like it there. Don't like it that Cosmo has prettier girls than you? Maybe you should stop being such a fucking fag and realize that you live in a country where you can drive a car without being shot. On second thought, better put this towel over your face because you're fucking ugly and your gay ass has a mustache. Now you'll fit in when we ship your faggoty-ass overseas."

Note that I used "fag" an exemplary number of times. I also swore a lot, thereby making my claim more potent and subjecting my victims to harsh criticisms. Notice my choice of victims as well - although lots of feminists are big and scary, a majority of them won't come after me. Even if they do, I know a black guy, so that's like a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Step 8 Publish your finished product to some sort of shitty blog and wait for the praise and criticism to roll in. While you're waiting, I suggest that you drink.


LATER EDIT: I must thank my dear friend Jen for the inspiration to write this particular work.
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