Tuesday, March 1

English Majors Suck

I hate English majors. They suck. They think that just because they were the geeky ass bastard who sat in the back row and read Dean Koontz novels during high school they have some sort of monopoly on the literary world. Let's not kid ourselves; we all know what happened here. They went to the guidance counselor (himself a failed English major) like a good American kid, and when crunch time came for them to blurt out a vocation, they panicked and said "English". Why the hell would someone do something like this? The rationale proceeds thusly:
Hm, I'm a unique rebel. I read in class. I plan on going to college instead of a community college like the majority of my peers. However, I'm not very smart, so I don't want to be something like a doctor or a lawyer. Wait, better not tell people I'm not smart. Better make them think that I just didn't want to be cliched. Yeah, that's it. I do't want to be a cliche like a doctor or a lawyer. I'm also too pussy to go for a major like art or theater or philosophy, because I want to get a job when I get off campus. Better be an English major!
Yeah, that's great. Wow. Now shut up. These fuckers walk around campus acting like they're literary gods. The mindless drivel they produce is far too boring and sketchy for anyone to actually want to read, so whenever anyone says one bad word about their writing they pull what I like to call that "Emperor's New Clothes Argument". They simply push up the plastic frames of their glasses, smile condescendingly, and say something like, "Well, I guess you just can't appreciate what I'm trying to accomplish here." Bull shit. You suck.
These vapid meaningless rebels-without-a-cause flood the coffeehouse in droves, sip their pussy lattes and frapps and talk about the stupidest shit. You ever want to know the definition of inane? Eavesdrop on an English major meeting.
Not only do they act like they're so much better than anyone else in the writing department, but these fuckers actually get funding from the university to publish their shitty writing in shitty magazines. This is ridiculous. I've left better literature in the snow in big steaming yellow letters. It's not even grammatically correct - you'd think with a major like "English" that they'd actually have some sort of grasp on their native language. But no, these pretentious emo-wannabe assholes act like any grammatic mistake they make is for the sake of art. If a woman writes a grammatical abortion, then she's "fighting the oppressive nature of patriarchal grammatical English rules"; if a black dude writes it then he's "fighting against colonialism and imperialism". Fuck that.
If people can write, then they'll write. They won't need to drop hundreds of thousands of dollars at college to learn how. They'll just do it. If they can already write, then they'll move on to other majors and make something worthwhile of themselves.
God, I can't get over what a worthless major English is. What the hell do people do in it? They sit around and read. And then they talk about the meaning of what they read. Hmm, let's think what other major does that......oh, yeah, EVERY OTHER MAJOR!!! I'm a religion major, which is admittedly a pretty worthless major. However, at least I take it a step further and try to draw some sort of sociological theory or some kind of psychological parallel to this writing (I also admit that any parallels I make are also pretty shitty, but we're not here to judge me, so fuck you).
Fucking English majors, trying to act like the disjunct piece of shit free verse they produce is better writing than the shit I put out. I hate them. I want someone to give me money to write. At least it would be funny. Well, funny to me. But I'm all that matters anyway, so fuck you.

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3 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Token left the following bullshit...

I think you are an overrated overly narcissistic lil man. How sad and lonely must you be to sit in your room all day and try to think of the next thing to bitch about? I mean, come on...english majors?! You could do so much better...how about you talk about how these rants are merely a medium on which you can practice throwing around SAT words like a meeting of 10th grade bookworms? Seriously, get a fucking life and stop picking on people. It's obviously a psychological transference of feelings lf self-worthlessness.



ps, stop using words with more than 2 syllables...it's hard to grasp the concept of your writing when I have to pause every few words to get the dictionary...thanks

2:22 PM  
Blogger Sexy Karen left the following bullshit...

As a former English major, I agree with most of what you say. I thought I should be an English major because I have always been good at writing, and can whip up a 6-pager in 2 hours and get an A. But then I realized, what's the point? If being an English major is this effortless than why am I even bothering?

And then, I started to meet people in the department. At least business majors admit they are dumbasses. These people take it so seriously. "Odysseus plays stupid games..he shouldn't have tricked his father by dressing like a beggar and revealing himself later". Uhh, who the fuck cares?? Odysseus has been in hell for centuries, fuckers. Do something useful with your time. Go buy a plastic vagina and learn how to please a woman instead of pouring over things that have no relevance to anything.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...


English major reporting in. Your blog is boring. U mad?

1:20 PM  

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