Saturday, February 19

Sports video games suck dick

I know I'm in the masculine minority by saying this, but I'm pretty sure that sports-themed video games might be the gayest thing around. The occasional kick-ass video football game is always good to watch, and usually Madden can be counted on for a way to avoid awkward conversation when your large, ambiguously gay brother comes around trying to bet you that he can bend quarters with his eye sockets. However, I think sports video games suck.
Lately these assholes in my suite have been playing this fucking retarded "MLB" something or other. I watch them play it on occasion, mostly because they monopolize the common TV when they do this, and I can't help but think to myself that this is possibly the gayest thing ever. I could go dance around a pole by a naval port dressed in my mom's underwear and still feel more confident in my manhood than I would playing that goddam game. Why? A couple of reasons:
Because it's retarded. It's a technologically advanced version of playing dollies: you pick which people come on your team, you trade, you build "dynasties" (read: girly hairdressing clubs) and you manipulate these pixels to do what you want. I swear to god, if they put these players in a house and labeled it something like "MLB X-TREME MANLY PLAYHOUSE 3K" then it would sell. It would probably sell even better than the original game, because it would allow these closet cases a way to express themselves the way they want to.
Because there is no point: It's not as if there's a point to this game. You just go through the same motions over and over, ad infinitum, ad nauseum. If I want to do that, I'll sit in my room and jerk off all day. At least that way I'll have something to show for my trouble, and when my doctor asks why I've suddenly developed carpal tunnel I'll be able to tell him it's because I jerk off all day, not because of some lame ass reason like video baseball.
In order to give the impression that there actually is a point to this game, the creators added a wacky wrinkle: NEW UNIFORMS!!! That's right, when you get a certain number of "MVP points" you get to get new uniforms for your team. Gag. At least Link had Zelda to rescue, and Link was pretty gay looking (although one of the greatest fictional characters ever). What the fuck is the point of retro uniforms? Who gives a shit? The fact is, these fuckers spend about six hours a day playing this vapid shitty game when they could at least be doing something productive, like watching porn.
And don't even get me started on these fucking "underground racing games" they play. That shit is even more worthless than video baseball. This is my rule regarding video games (and movies): the ones that don't involve killing or technology from the future or both are for people too pussy to go out and do this shit themselves. You want to pretend that you're part of the "Underground Racing League"? Fine. Go drive your car 90 miles an hour around town at three in the morning. At least that way you'll kill yourself and I won't have to put up with your pussy bullshit. And if we're all lucky enough, maybe you'll crash your car into a nursing home and take out some old people while you're at it.

Goddam these fucking pussies. They need to get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich like the rest of the vaginas.
Click this shit!

2 Bullshit Responses:

Anonymous Token left the following bullshit...

I happen to like your "Underground Racing Videogames" because yes, it allows me to immerse myself in something that I am not otherwise able to do. If you had my car, would you wanna go street racing around town? I think not...shit, it's enough of a blow to the ego to drive it to the grocery store. I dont agree with you on this one. Youre a fag girly-man.

6:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous left the following bullshit...

Marvin is a douche.

~Matt

1:15 PM  

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